The Joy of Planning

Back when I didn't care about the world or whatever people say about me...

I used to be very rigid with my planning. I have my own way of running my life and things that suit me. I did not really care the world's way of doing things. I only listen myself and it was all my way or no way.

I loved planning things because it was practical. I had minimum resources and some grand goals. I learned that without planning, it would be hard to make it alive. I was taught early on that nobody is coming to save me, I am nobody trust fund baby,& my parents are going to be dependent on me in the future. I only relied on myself and only myself. It was hard for me to seek help and asking for a help; even now it's still hard and I learned from many experiences, I am responsible for my own.

I would never expected I went into a depression and started developing dependencies to people and ruin my life. At this moment of my life, I abandoned planning and the thoughts of " my way or no way". I learned to be more compassionate, more flexible and more accepting what people say. However, these come at cost.

Since I stopped planning and I started listening to others more, I lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem. I became more reserved and thought I lead myself the wrong way. This mindset stayed with me for a while until I realized that in order to pull myself up, I have to plan everything wisely. Without planning, life becomes a lot more chaotic.

I experience so many lost opportunities, money and time because bad planning. In order to compensate what I lost, it was difficult because some things are irrecoverable and some better forgotten. Though difficult, organizing tasks and making priorities help with me decide things faster and more efficient, thus enabling me to get back up slowly.

And it took me a while to start finding the joy in planning one more time.Because planning also means self-control and discipline. It was something that was non-existent during my depression.

Only around this time, I managed to get myself back up and get stronger. There are some significant changes and commitment I made for myself. If I could run my life with minimum resources, no connection, being that lone wolf unpopular kid with no friend trying to crawl her way up, why can't I do it all over again? I have been at worse situation and this is much better though, yes I do struggle with other things.

I have been planning things using this beloved notebook. It looks very torn-apart since it has been accompanying me during my nomadic days. I love this note and when I try to find another one similar to that, it was not available. I suppose they don't release the same netbook twice. So in this book, I normally plan my day, week or months. I also keep track of my priorities, debts, anything that needs to be done. For instance, this September I have several things to focus on including : my thesis and finding a job. I think it's time for me to get back into more serious freelancing and take my certification seriously. I mean just in case something happened, I would have some fail-safe plan where I can still thrive and pursue other options. I used to think that my life will be over if I fail doing X but truth is,I just have to keep hustling until life gets tired of me and eventually put me to rest forever. While I am still having the chance to fix my life, why not maximize my opportunities and everything life has to offer?

~ Mac