Fragments

How come you’re living in extreme solitude when we see you roaming around and posting about it?

The thing I’ve always been living as if there are two or three of me with their set of separate personalities and identities. At this point, I think don’t we all do that? I don’t know. I’ll let you think about it. But lately, all of those personalities and identity sort of morphed together and sometimes creates some confusion with one of them wanting to save energy but the other just wanted to strike a conversation with strangers or roam around into the unknown.

These days, I am forced to be in an environment where those two morphed and struggled to dominate.

There are days lately where I isolate myself and hate every noise that exist around me. The other, as you see is suddenly invited to all sort of things where I’ll see people and as much as I like how it plays out and happy about it, the other part of me hates it.

These constant struggle between the two really tires me out by default.

Then, there are external stimulation from the outside. Extreme light, noise; I am talking about 24/7 road side karaoke and visual clutters that are as much as draining. My dad is also adds more noise with his constant groaning in pain that doesn’t seem like it has its end. The other noises were also too much to bear. I don’t recall the neighborhood to be that noisy. It was extremely quiet and things do change around there for sure.

It’s really hard to focus when there are energy vampires around. It’s hard to get anything done when there’s just too many things that are really draining the moment you’re opening your eyes.

Sometimes I wonder how I survived half of last year. It was a miracle on its own and sometimes I felt like I wasn’t actually myself the whole time. It’s almost like I lived an autopilot life and maybe these past few months are just the culmination of everything.

Change is inevitable anyway and I just have to learn to accept it and move on.