I remember the exact moment I lost my sense of peace, or blissful ignorance. It was a sudden realisation that other people's opinions of me existed. That's not so bad but it was coupled with something else - that their opinions of me mattered. And when people's opinions of you matter to you, it usually means their opinion of you matters more than your own. And this is when you loose your peace.
So, you go through childhood with this and only when you're older you become fully conscious of the evil in this thinking and just how much it has cost you. But by then your thinking has set and you have to start the work of rewiring your brain. I don't think all people become conscious of it and they live their entire lives giving so much power to the "they" or "them". Their self-worth is based on "their" opinion of you. Many people know something is wrong but they can't quite put their finger on it. Then they finally see the wood for the trees and the problem is instantly halved. I've heard it likened to the "fuckawee bird". The bird has its head buried in the sand and then something in your own mind finally clicks and it's like the bird stuck it's head out the sand and goes "where the f*#% are we??" It's a freeing moment. There's nothing worse than being stuck in a whirlwind of chaos and you're not quite sure what that chaos is or what it stems from. Once you see what it is, you feel much better. Then you can start fixing it.
We aren't really taught how to think. Perhaps everyone should figure that out for themselves and maybe that's just part of each individual's journey. I was in a sense cursed as well as lucky that my dad brought my sister and I up as thinking people from a very young age. The curse was that my dad told us to never stop questioning. To question everything.
A child takes that literally. It's not a peaceful existence.
We were taught Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism from as early as I can remember. I agree with a lot of it but disagree with a lot of it too. In a way she reminds me of Victorian "Empire" and that false sense of superiority of some. I'll always love The Fountainhead though. I do think Ayn Rand had a way to go when it came go exploring higher consciousness. I see what my dad was trying to do. He wanted to make sure my sister and I would use our minds and be able to think our way out of any situation or problem in life. But it's a kind of indoctrination that I don't feel any human being has any right to inflict on another. My parents decided not to christen my sister and I as they thought that should be our decision. I am truly grateful for having being given that choice. I am not religious in the slightest and am repulsed by any idea of myself being affiliated with any organised religion. It would mean that I have shifted about as far a possible from the true essence of who I am. It doesn't mean I don't read about different religions or that I can't take certain "lessons" etc from them. It just means I will not fit into any 1 box. I hate boxes and I hate the system. It also doesn't mean I'm repulsed by other people being religious. Live and let live.
But then I look at how my parents didn't christen me but then still fervently preached Ayn Rand's philosophy. When what she herself preaches is integrity. Where is the integrity in that... where is that steel, unwavering rod that flows fiercely through each element of your being. So yes.. it's all a bit of a contradiction isn't it.
So now I, like many others, seek my own way. My own peace. Or perhaps I just have a wandering mind. Or, perhaps, I have an overactive "you can't stop questioning" mind. I read a very strange book called "Conversations with God". I really enjoyed it though and it flipped my mind from seeing the exploration of mind and soul and the quest for becoming the best version of yourself / achieving higher consciousness as a joyful, positive and exciting experience rather than an over-critical, judgmental, negative and heavy experience. But I also think that getting a little older helps you put these things into perspective and life becomes a little easier as you go.
Perhaps I've written too much about myself again. It's just gone past 11pm here in South Africa and it has just started raining. Time to go to sleep. That's all for now.
