I'm supposed to be excited today; for the fact that it's Sunday, a day of the Lord which we're to rejoice and be glad. But sadly, I feel off, kind of numb - disconnected from my emotions.
I'm experiencing a mix of emotions - loneliness, fear, anxiety, anticipation - but I'm struggling to know which one dominates. I'm having a hard time pinpointing the specific feeling, and that's the worst part of the whole thing.
It's just weird, and I don't understand why I feel this way. I've reflected on the previous day, down to the morning, but I couldn't recall any unusual events that would prompt this ambiguous feeling this evening.
I started the day on a positive note, feeling so good and in high spirits. I prepared and went to Mass at my main Parish. Being the first Sunday of the month, it was Thanksgiving Sunday. I danced joyfully and offered my thanksgiving offering. As the Priest offered a special blessing. I felt grateful for my blessings.
After Mass, I shared warm smiles and pleasantries with some members, feeling grateful for the sense of community. I even received heart warming compliments on my outfit, which left me beaming with smiles. Not only that, on the way back, a kind hearted lady offered to pay for my fare, leaving me deeply grateful.
More so, as I walked the short distance from the main road to my house, the bright sun casting shadows everywhere, I saw this beautiful flower, still in full bloom, and I quickly took a snapshot to capture it's radiant colors and delicate petals.
A little further, at a nearby farmland, I heard this squeaking and chipping sound. I stopped in my tracks, hoping to catch a glimpse of the squirrel that was chattering away in the bush. And there it was, among the trees. Apparently, it was on a mission, calling out it's mate for some playful chatter.
Getting home, I took a cold shower, because the weather was hot, and I felt refreshed after that. I prepared lunch but couldn't eat it, no matter how much I tried. I stared at the food as one would stare a stranger, not lifting a spoon to my mouth. It felt overwhelming hearing my stomach growl with hunger, yet I couldn't satisfy it. "But why the loss of appetite?" I asked myself. I haven't had anything to eat since morning.
My mind began to wander, searching for a reason for the strange anomaly. The more I thought about it, the more worried and anxious I became. I guess this is where the mixed feeling all started.
It's really unsettling and I'm no longer at ease with it. Meanwhile, my phone slipped out of my hand thrice today, falling face down on the tiled floor. I felt a surge of fear that the screen would crack. Fortunately, it remained intact.
I couldn't allow my stomach stay without food for so long, lest I fall sick, so I forced myself to eat some fruits - banana and pawpaw. I felt a bit better, though for a little while.
After that, listened to some of my favorite songs thinking that would help me feel better, but I ended up being disappointed as I didn't feel the usual calmness wash over me. Talking to my friend, I thought I'd find solace, but instead, I ended up crying.
I've resolved not to pressurize myself any more, in trying to get the spark back. It's okay to feel off today. I'll allow myself to feel this way.
After hitting the publish button, I'll switch off - cuddle my teddy and try to get some sleep. I'm hopeful that this emotional turmoil will pass away with the night, and by morning, I'll wake up feeling good again.
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