My name is Jack, and I am here to help everyone improve their breakfast game because I feel by far and large the public has been cheated out of a true breakfast meal by notions such as cold cereal and bowls of oatmeal. Those lies aren't breakfast foods...
What is your ideal breakfast?
Mine is fairly simple and unimpressive; eggs, bacon, a burger, a slice of apple pie, and single malt whisky.
The first part is fairly simple. Eggs and bacon cooked to your specification.
The burger, however, should be simple without too much fuss, like the kind you'd find in a decent 24 hour diner. No hipster burgers in my breakfast. Red meat, a cheese perhaps, and buns. Add basic condiments at your discretion. If you really want to live it up, add more bacon. This is an acceptable add on.
If a burger is unavailable, a large rare steak is an acceptable substitute. If your cook is unable or unwilling to cook your steak rare, get up and leave. It is your patriotic duty to do so, as no free man or woman should tolerate overcooked steak, which is actually beef jerky that is lying to you about being a steak.
If the cook comes out of the kitchen after he is corrected and tells you that a medium well steak is actually rare, it is an acceptable and justifiable action to punch him in the face.
Also I have prepared this chart for you to show him before punching him in the face, so he'll understand and think about what he has done. You don't want this to happen to someone else in the future.
If the first two courses have met your expectations, then it is time for breakfast desert consisting of a fine single malt whiskey and apple pie. The two go great together, and your life has been lacking what it never knew it needed.
Recommended whiskies are, but not limited to; Lagavulin, Oban, or Balvenie.
Finish your drink (or drinks in my case) and be sure to tip your server decently.
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This is the end of the Breakfast 101 tutorial. I had to use several pictures instead of one picture with all of the aforementioned items in it because apparently everyone else on this planet but myself is terrible at breakfast. If this post has made you hungry, good. Now you can go out and make a difference. Good day to you.
