The word "sorry" is probably one of the most misused words in the English language. Many people underuse the word, and others overuse it, but mostly people just throw it indiscriminately around as if they're trying to fix a botched cake by dumping sprinkles on it.
From the time we were little children, most of us were taught to always say "I'm sorry" when we perceive that someone else has a problem with our behavior. But we weren't taught to recognize when apologies are truly warranted, why apologies are important, and how to go about apologizing in a meaningful, genuine way.
Some people apologize for everything. If they use the wrong word, they apologize. If they're thirty seconds late, they apologize. They're sorry if they need to ask for something, and they're sorry if they can't go to lunch on Friday. They were probably raised in very strict environments with disapproving parents, and have grown into timid adults who fear disapproval from everyone in their lives. Needless to say, none of the above scenarios actually warrant an apology.
And then there are folks who never apologize for anything. Even when they've done something that warrants an "I'm sorry", they'll go to great lengths to avoid saying those words, even going so far as to blame their misbehavior on external circumstances, or even on the victim themselves. This type of person could benefit a lot from realizing that apologizing for wrong actions doesn't make you less than. When done appropriately and genuinely, it actually improves your relationships, gives people a reason to trust you, and lessens your own sense of guilt and failure.
So when is an apology called for? It's quite simple. If something you have done or said has hurt another person (especially a person you care about) physically, emotionally, financially, or in any other identifiable way, you should probably apologize. To get more specific, ask yourself:
There are other reasons an apology might be warranted, but these are the main five. Sometimes you might want to apologize because a misunderstanding has taken place. You may not have been able to prevent the misunderstanding, but if someone has been hurt or inconvenienced because of it, an apology can help set things right again.
One last important thing to note is that apologies are not just for authority figures. You can and should apologize to anyone you have hurt or harmed, no matter where they fall in hierarchical relation to you. You will be a better boss if you can apologize to your employees, a better partner if you can apologize to your significant other, and a better parent if you can apologize to your kids.
Voluntaryists and anarchists, take note! This is a skill-set we each need to learn to help us build a free, civil society.
So how does one go about crafting a genuine, heartfelt apology? Here are the five steps. If any one of these is missing, your apology is not complete.
When you say this, what you are really saying is that you have done nothing wrong and the other person is wrong for feeling hurt or slighted at your behavior. If you feel the need to say this, you are not sorry. Abort the apology and give it some thought to see if it is really warranted, or if you have some serious self-reflection to do.
Make sure the other party knows that you understand what you did wrong, and how it caused harm.
You must follow through.
Sometimes when people say "I'll never do it again", it cheapens the apology. That's because for some types of transgression (like punching someone), it should be completely, mindnumbingly obvious that you should never do it again, and if you ever do do it again, you're just a colossal jerk-bag. In this case, you don't need to say that you won't do it again. You just need to actually not do it again.
And then there are other times when to say "I'll never do it again" will ring as false, because it's the type of thing that you probably are going to do again, at some point, like forgetting to run an important errand. In this case, it is enough to express remorse that you have forgotten something and made someone's day hard. Instead of promising you'll never ever forget to do anything ever again, just make a commitment to work on your organization and time management skills.
If you can train yourself to apologize correctly, and actually mean it, your life will be much improved. Your relationships with bosses, employees, coworkers, partners, family, and friends will all benefit from knowing how to apologize. And if you have kids, be sure to teach them the proper way to apologize, too. It could lead to a better world.
