I'd like to share some text I've written in my journal during those past months when I felt like everything goes wrong and there's no one I can lean on. I hope any reader can understand the judgment and conviction I have poured during those days by which you can witness on the following texts.
Love does really make us wait and give us the will to wait for more.
I have seen that the moment I showed and shared my weakness, then someone would take the opportunity to use it against me or much worse, make it as a reason to pity me and act like they do really care and would love to stay.
Other people may perceived that raising their voice is simply normal and easy to accept and hear, but I find it very hard to understand as I could always see myself drowning in an emotion where pain and questions never subside. Maybe because of a traumatic past or just because I'm not used to it, not even until today. I just wish that maybe, someday, if I couldn't find someone who'll take me as someone worth to care about, either I deserve it or not, I'll be able to have the reason and the will to keep a promise to myself to never feel affection or love towards somebody else.
To me, love is something that always give me the happiness that can always be overtaken by pain and hurt. Maybe I was cursed or just simply fated to stay alone, always and forever.
When some of my friends have been doing something for someone they're afraid of losing and call it a “sacrifice”, I've always had this unconvinced and doubtful mind to argue with them that maybe it isn't love that they're living with but a mere responsibility. Sacrifices are things that are being done just because you are left with no choice, either you like it or not. Love, on the other hand, requires no sacrifices and have no rules. But without the rules doesn't mean that it's okay to commit mistakes intentionally and repeatedly. Knowing love means knowing right. Love doesn't require sacrifices but rather commitment. You do it for both of your happiness not just for your own advantage.
Love doesn't need to be in a relationship that is physically intimate, as lot of people perceive sex as a primary requirement to keep a relationship go stronger and could last longer. Emotionally bonded and spiritually contented are what you could find to relationships bonded with love. Mutual submission is something that's easier for those who are ready but is too hard for those who aren't.
Now, after looking back to the past, to everything I've been through and to everyone I've been with, I have never felt the real love within myself which I've thought I've already felt a thousand times. Now I understand, that when you say “love”, it means finding someone you truly wish to be with for a lifetime. No matter how heavy the trials could ever get, you could always say to yourself that you'd fight even with death just to be with him. You're willing to lose anything just to cling on something you believe you could call as only “yours”. Love has no boundaries for it widens the mind of a commoner. Love is for strong people for they could be willing to give everything without neglecting the fact that maybe, at the end of the road, they'll be left alone and empty. Love isn't for the weak, who loses the will to fight for it when everything is clouded. As the saying goes, “Love conquers all”, especially fear.