I was expected to spend the day at a family get-together, the kind of reunion where everyone plays nice and pretends we’re a wonderful family. We aren’t. As a responsible adult I decided I’m not going to do that. Spent my day at the pool instead because my mental and emotional well-being come first.
This reminded me of a similar decision I made many years ago when I was dragged into a compulsory company team-building trip in a fancy mountain resort. It was mid-winter and it was freezing cold, therefore I decided to skip the outdoor part of the trip and spend a beautiful morning at the pool, taking in the scenery of the snow-covered mountains. To this day, it remains a beautiful memory. It was not just about my physical well-being (I am not a mountain person in the middle of summer, let alone freezing temperatures), but again about my mental state. I have very strong feelings about being ordered about and mandatory activities.
To be honest, it wasn’t much fun today at the pool. Too crowded and I don’t really enjoy this sort of posh place. I got a one-month membership at this club only because it’s a five-minute walk from home and I need some exercise for my back problems. I could have skipped a day, but I knew the emotional cost of socializing with people I’ve mostly cut out of my life is a price I’m not willing to pay. The invitation alone was enough to keep me up all night. So I said NO.
Family is important and that’s why my kids are attending the party. For the younger generation maybe there’s a chance to break the mold and forge healthy relationships. For my generation, I think it’s too late and I’m not going to pretend we’re close. It’s not that they’re bad people. Just sad, full of repressed wishes and hopes. Totally unwilling to at least consider all the traumas in a broken family such as ours. The kind of people who will suck out all your energy and fill you with negative energy. Actually, that was the topic of some of my early posts on this blog, years ago when the split was still fresh.
To pretend we’re a happy tribe is just wishful thinking and I don’t do that. Over the past few days I’ve been thinking about what my refusal to participate means. A strong and grounded person would not have much of a problem to pretend everything’s fine for a few hours. If I can’t do it, this means I’m weak. So be it. I will admit to my weakness. And deal with it my own way. When I decided to dedicate most of my time to studying analytical psychology it wasn’t just an intellectual pursuit, but mostly an effort to understand my problems and put my head in order. It’s a long journey, with lots of reading and regular meditation, something I’m very proud of. Obviously, not the kind of thing you can say at a gathering of people who think yoga and meditation are for weirdos.
At least I have this space to vent and I am grateful for that. It’s getting late now. My kids will be back soon, I hope. I’ll still get a full account of what went on. Hopefully nothing much as I don’t take kindly to people who say nasty things to my children. However, I’m well prepared to deal with it. I’ve spent a pleasant day. There’s a nice bottle of wine cooling in the fridge. And I already know which guided meditation I’m going to do before going to bed. (More on this in a future post!)
