Lately, something I’ve been thinking about a lot is happiness. When I was in my twenties, my dream was to hitchhike around my country, and see the world. To me it seemed a waste of life if I never saw the planet that I was born on, and meet the other people on it. Somewhere along the line this dream faded. I still love to travel. In fact, sometimes it is the only time I’m happy. But the dream doesn’t seem as vivid as it used to.
I’ve spent the bulk of my life feeling pretty lost. I’ve had some big adventures. Met some amazing people and great friends. Had goals that I met. But for the most part I’ve always felt lost. Meeting people that seem to have a long term goal in mind makes me a bit jealous. It feels like I’m lost in the middle of a vast jungle, hacking my way through step by step trying to find something. All the while other people are driving down some freeway towards a big sign at the end.
The only way I’ve found to remedy this is to sit down and make a list of short term goals. Try to hit those, and as things evolve, evolve the list. As jealous as I may be of people who feel a clear path far into the future….at the same time I feel it’s crazy to have that. To me the future is a complete unknown, and to pretend to know it, or think you can force it, is just insane.
There were a few periods in my twenties that I gave a lot of thought to suicide. Just a lot of thinking. And yet my life was never really bad. On paper I should’ve been happy/content.
I guess the things that eat at me the most, is that while I may go on these adventures, live a life of some people’s dreams, I’m still just hacking through the jungle hoping to find something. I’m still lost, still just hoping my next step doesn’t lead me into quicksand.
When you are sad people say it will pass. But when you’re happy people try to hang on to it as long as possible. Sometimes I wonder if constantly chasing some source of it is unhealthy. Is that what life is? Running to one well of happiness, and when it dries up run to the next? Not that I’m saying I think people should be miserable or without emotion. I don’t know. Can I know?
I had thought that by now I would know what I want, what I dream to do, or already be doing that. But I’m still just making it to the next day. It still feels like I’m just waiting for something, but I don’t know what. Looking for something, but don’t know what. Perhaps there is something that I’ve missed. I'll be turning 32 in a day, and I feel about as confused as I did 10 years ago. Does anyone else share these feelings or something similar?
