Eleven days into 2024 and I continue to be unsure how
I feel about it. On the one hand, it doesnt feel new. I still feel like I am stuck in the year before and going nowhere fast. On the other hand, I’ve been distracted and lost and I dont know where I’ve gone. Certainly anywhere but here and now. My mind has deserted my body and has decided to wander aimlessly and all I can do is watch it go. I feel helpless and powerless spinning faster and faster in this vortex of dread and doom that is consuming me. So much for a fresh start I guess.
My memories seem so distant and clouded and the road ahead remains unclear. I don’t know what to expect so I remain rooted to the same spot unable to make a move. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I am numb and I don’t know why. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I dont know where I am going and it’s unclear where I’ve been.
Have you ever felt this way? Confused and disoriented as if you’ve just woken up from a bender? I feel drunk but I haven’t imbibed. Im not hungry just tired. I can taste bile in the back of my throat as the world spins in dizzying cires before my eyes. I swallow. And then it comes back up again.
When I close my eyes, I see it staring right back at me. And all thought escapes me. Then as if a buttin was pressed and I reset. Looking around wonderingly. What am I doing? Why am I here? And just like that my mind is once again wiped clear.
Could there be an explanation? A wild story with a twisted conclusion? It’s hard to say at this point. All I know is that I know nothing. All I see is the white paint on the ceiling. Pondering, pondering on what rhis all could mean. Can you help me?
