We get into relationships in the first place for our benefit. We aren't concerned about doing things for somebody we don't know yet. If we went into relationships only for somebody else's benefit, no one would realistically go into relationships.
The Downsides Of A Transactional Relationship
We are often attracted to people like our parents.
People possess negative and positive qualities compared to our parents. Sometimes, the overall goal is to heal our old childhood wounds by replaying some of the trauma we've been through at some point, hoping that the other person will heal us. Oftentimes, they possess the same personality characteristics that caused us to develop that damage in the first place.
It's like doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. That our partner will meet our unmet needs without asking for anything in return. Either that or we overcompensate with who we choose as our partner. We sometimes, go to extreme opposites of the traits our parents had. Instead picking a partner who is very different. None of this is logical, otherwise we would pick our partners. That would compensate for our parent's inadequacies.
All these expectations are on our partner, whether we realize it or not.
That's why I don't believe them whenever I'm talking to someone, and they say that they don't have any expectations out of their partner. It's impossible.
We have expectations of every single person in our lives. We even have expectations from people that we don't even know or hardly even interact with. You go to the coffee shop and expect that person to give you your coffee the way you ask them to make it. That's an expectation. And it's a valid one if you're paying for your coffee. But if you're in a relationship and you have these expectations and they know nothing about them, it becomes an issue that can cause resentment down the road. When partners don't tell each other what they want and constantly criticize them for not giving it to them, it's no wonder there are problems.
After being in a long-term relationship for a while, you may realize that your married life or relationship life isn't going to look how you expected it to. This can cause you to be angry at your partner even if they have no idea what you were expecting of them. Or you expected them to be a different person than they are.
A sign that your relationship might be too transactional.
You start feeling bad about receiving anything from your partner because you know deep down that they're expecting something from you in return.
It's not them doing it because they want to or because they love and value you. We crave love that has no strings attached. Of course, unconditional love and relationships don't exist unless you're talking about a parent and a child.
We also like surprises. Things that are specific to us When gifts suit the taste of the person giving them. But we have a tendency to add our own likes and dislikes into the equation when giving a gift to someone. It's usually automatic and unconscious.
The kind actions you receive from your partner also lose meaning and effectiveness if repeated. On a predictable regularity. So yes, you may think it's nice to be really consistent in giving things to your partner, but if it's too consistent to the point they know they're already going to receive it, it will be less special. Randomness creates an era of uncertainty, which increases the impact. This can be a difficult habit for some of us to break. For those of us who really lean into our habits. I tend to do the same things for my fiance everyday; Cooking him dinner, Taking him a soda and sometimes a snack to work each day. With this, It's more about making sure he's taken care of. But if I wanted to increase the impact of my actions. The best route to take, would be to do something I don't do often. Like surprising him with a thoughtful gift.
The important part of all of this is finding a good balance. If your relationship is too transactional it can cause it to fall apart. But if you are too giving and never lookout for your needs/wants. It will also create an environment where resentment can quickly grow.
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