Today sucked. Work kicked my ass. Not sure it sucked because I was busy or if I was just so in my head. I could have really done some damage. I lost my cool, more than once. I sat and fought back tears, rather unsuccessfully…
I can feel it throughout my entire body. The stress, the tension, the pain. It’s about time I wrap my head around the reality of it all. But my heart fights me constantly, every step of the way. If I said I didn’t miss the way things were, I’d be lying. If I said I wasn’t jealous, I’d be lying. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. But the door was closed, and I helped slam it shut. I’m not even a thought anymore. That much is obvious. I fucked up… didn’t I? Thought it was a game and I was just playing along. But I lost. Whatever voids I left were filled. Whatever place I had is gone. And Im the one who can’t deal with it. Is that what you wanted? Say that I won, but I didn’t. Not at all. I wanted nothing more than to say something to make it better today, to do SOMETHING. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. That’s just not my place anymore. I need to get over it, to move on. Guess that all takes time. I promise things aren’t as they seem. It’s tourniquets. Stops the bleeding, even if it’s only temporary. Why do you have such a hold on me? Does it make you feel good that I hurt this bad? My gut feeling says you aren’t OK either, that you use tourniquets too… but I’m probably wrong. You moved on. Well before I did. I just wanted you to make everything better today, like you used to… Wtf, I’m just rambling now. Stupid. Pointless. On deaf ears. My feelings haven’t changed. They never will. Just have to suck it up and deal with it. Nobody in my life has ever had me the way you do, left me feeling the way you do. No matter where I am, what I’m doing, or who I’m with, I search for you. I keep telling myself it wasn’t me, that you fucked up too… and you did. But so did I.
Hopped on my bike today after work, trying to clear my mind. But no matter how fast I went, I couldn’t out run the memories… the feelings. All I felt was you on the back, kissing my neck. I’m a fool. I’m trying to out run everything I’m feeling. But all I do is get over come again every time I try to catch my breath.
I’ve been searching. Waiting. For a sign that maybe this isn’t the end. But it is, isnt it? “I’m good to never speak to you again”… guess that was true. All I can say is, I’m sorry.
