I've been really in my emotions lately and when I feel insecure, unloved and terrified, I lash out. I lash out in the most embarrassing ways. I suppose, I'm testing to see who stays? Messed up I know! It's just that sometimes it's easier to sabotage something than to deal with the disappointment.
I'm still trying to heal an unfortunate series of events that I can't even begin to unpack. An unfortunate series of events that I need to work through. Why? My brain is really good at forgetting the bad stuff. It really does shut down at times and this, in itself, is frustrating because then I can't remember. I can't remember and I know it's kind of my defense system that gets activated some how....
I'm trying to remember and work through it. I really would never consciously cause anyone any kind of pain. Ag, I'm not in a good place and I've had way too much to deal with lately.
I'm going to consciously and subconsciously choose myself and whatever else comes along comes along. I'm dangerously close to settling for just about anything and I will not do that to myself again.
It always amazes me how we truly are our own worst enemies. Consciously I know what I want, what I will not tolerate and yet loneliness does funny things to a person's brain.
I will wait and be patient. Goodness is the goal. Contentment is the goal. Real love is the goal. I'm not going to settle for anything other than that.
Thank you for Reading 😀
With Love Always, Justine.
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