Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you got picked on in high school? Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.
6 yo: *yells* Mom! I'm on level 18!!!! Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You're reading. 6 yo: Oh
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My daughter told she hates getting glitter on her face I told her it's far better than getting Gary Glitter on her face.