Damn, girl, did you lose weight? Because it's caught up to you.
There was a black-out in my city last night. The police said stay in doors until they shot him.
Why did the monkey get lost in the jungle? Because jungle is massive.
What's the opposite of the constitution? The prostitution.
Wife: ""I saw a huge owl on my way home. Almost hit it with my car."" Me: ""Wow!"" Wife: ""Sorry, the correct response is 'O RLY?'""