I have a heroine addiction... ...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.
Nana's house is getting real bad, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
A guy goes to his Rabbi to price a circumcision... He says, ""Rabbi, how much do you charge for a circumcision?"" And the Rabbi says, ""Not much, I just keep the tips.""
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
When people write, ""your dumb,"" maybe it's not a typo--they just mean stupidity belongs to you. ""Here's your dumb now leave.""