What does heroin make you feel like? More heroin.
[3 AM] 5yo: *sobbing* Daddy Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what's wrong? 5yo: I'm lonely... Me: Then, don't ever get married. 5yo: Ok, Daddy.
What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at? ""Donald! Duck!""
How many white girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, it has to be an odd number, because they literally cannot even.
My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!