The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Gets pulled over. Cop: You know the left lane is just for passing. And you were driving in it for the past 3 miles without passing a single car. Me: Oh yeah I know, that's why we're passing the blunt.
Just spent 3 hours making a belt out of all my old watches... ...it was a complete waste of time.
Why don't old people have sex? Have you ever tried peeling a grilled cheese apart?
Why did the feminist fail in programming? She hated objectification.