This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Believe it or not, my wife and I were actually matched on Tinder. We'd been married for 12 years.
One day I'm probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed.