Why did the Hawaiian Hipster burn to death? He walked on lava before it was cool.
Did you hear that Alexander Graham Bell got fired from the theatre? He was always phoning it in.
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween? Dog: Sure, put it on Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
I didn't think my hangover was that bad, until I spent 10 minutes trying to log into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch.
