Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they're famous or stupid
I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. But i realised a sit-down comedian was more comfortable.
Therapist: what's upsetting you? Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a table, Linda
Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open.