In the last six months, I have visited more hospitals than I have in the previous twenty years. Yes, a person with chronic health conditions should not be isolated from medical care. But everything about this condition disgusted me: the unpredictability, pain, stigma, trauma, and agony of living with it drove me to denial. Of course, it is a shell.
We sometimes choose a comfortable lie, live it, and believe it, but deep down we know who we are, and I know who I was and am. I know that people often preach about accepting yourself, but it is difficult to love yourself when everything about you makes you uncomfortable. It is difficult to fall in love with something that causes you pain, and time does not make it easier.
Staying away from hospitals was probably irresponsible of me, and I lived my life as if there was no tomorrow, but with peace, not worrying about organ failure, anemia, or anything else. It was blissful to have that peace, but at what cost? There are people who must pay exorbitant prices for peace, demonstrating that some of the things we sacrifice to maintain our sanity and sleep at night may not be worth it. I know people who use harmful substances to stay happy, even though they are aware of the risks.
This is because sadness and depression are mental states that take away the essence of life, which is why some people will go to any length to avoid depression. I have lived a life of pain, and sometimes we do not realize how different the degrees of pain are, but most of the time we wear a brave face, so people do not understand what we are going through.
For me, all I want to do is move on.
Carry my pain and uncertainty like a bag pack, and smile for the cameras. If we are all honest with ourselves, we will realize that we are all alone in all of life's trials. We only lie to ourselves to give ourselves a sense of security, but this is a lie that has no basis. It is okay; there is nothing wrong with truly understanding that you are alone. I know it takes a series of unfortunate events to truly understand this, but it is the reality of life, and no lie you tell or believe will change that. It is like telling people you are 19, when in reality you are 25.
It can take a lifetime to learn something, but the more you know, the more you begin to adjust your way of life
I have stared in the mirror countless times, repeating to myself this reality. While it irritates and scares me at first, it no longer bothers me, and I have come to accept it.
I understand that facing the truth about ourselves and our lives can be painful. Many people struggle to accept the truth about their lives, but it gets easier if you start believing it early on. Most of the things I refused to accept about myself are coming back to haunt me; I did it for peace, but if I had accepted them sooner, I might have been more cautious.
However, I do not regret everything, including every life I have lived. While I have some regrets and pray for forgiveness, I do remember the man I used to be and am glad I was that guy. I would be sad if I had spent my entire life worrying about family dysfunction and my health, but I did not, and I am proud of who I was.
Life has happened, and I was unable to prevent the tragedies that occurred over the last two years, including the deaths of all of my nuclear family members.
While I still logically believe I could have done better, perhaps made better choices and chosen to be responsible, there is no crying over spilled milk. Bad things happen, regardless of how ill or well prepared we are, and I am still struggling to accept this.
Bad things have happened, and my perspective on life has shifted, as have my long- and short-term ambitions and goals.
Nowadays, all I want to do is get a good night's sleep, wake up, eat breakfast, and thank the Creator; I was not infallible, and I still am not, nor is anyone. I understand this now and choose to hold it. When life renders you powerless in your battles, it heightens your perception of being truly handicapped, which few people truly understand. I have chosen to live with my pain, but I am looking for ways to do so in a way that allows me to feel peace and closure.
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