These past few weeks have been eventful, I've compromised all my beliefs and done everything I shouldn't do, simply put, I crossed the line on the standards I've set for myself. Not that these standards are infallible or perfect, I just felt that they've kept me going again and again.
Sometimes some things wouldn't seem too pleasant especially when we weigh them with our moral compass. So I've been feeling betrayed by some of the actions of the people I felt I know.
The reason why I say this is because when a person establishes familiarity with people for the first time, they have the option to open up and completely "know them", or choose to just reckon with them, without taking the effort to establish true familiarity, which entails "knowing them".
I kind of feel that I "quickly" "friended" people who were supposed to be strangers. Although this is understandable, I've been feeling like I need to leave my cocoon, that place where I oddly feel safe and secure in search of uncertainty, fun, dangerous adventures and the more I feel like I need to do this, the more disappointments I tend to get. Understandably, we're social animals.
On the surface, we want to protect ourselves from the excesses and toxicity that's flying around, but by default, it's in our nature to seek companionship.
Sometimes our psychological outlet bars us from seeing the essence to connecting or exploring human relationships, but it's just biologically in our nature to seek adventure which sometimes unsettles the frameworks, the rules, and regulations we've set for ourselves.
However, in my quest for exploration, I should say I've met people who are sadly opportunists. There are red alerts to prove this. But sometimes I feel like when I listen to myself I seem too realistic, sometimes this state of realism might be mistaken for pessimism. So when I try to listen to myself, I don't see myself seeing goodness in some people.
It's like their life is a written script, they follow almost every act and scene, making it easy to predict the negative intents hidden in their chameleon lifestyle. But sometimes I feel it's okay to display imperfections, it's forgivable because we're humans, but when you tend to give people the benefit of a doubt, they end up exhibiting that animalistic side to them.
Subconsciously I have tried to see my sense of red alert as pessimism, this is to allow me to lower my guard and become more trusting, however, the results have been dastardly. I have experienced loss, pain, regret, and exploitation. However, I think I need to search within to see the other reasons why this has been happening.
Apart from experiencing disappointments. Most of the choices I've made in life haven't been what I've truly desired. However, I'm of the notion that in life, we need to have at least 80% embodiment of what we truly desire. For example, if you desire wealth, you need responsible and disciplined enough to be deserved the wealth you seek.
To set outrageous expectations of what you crave from the opposite sex, you must be at least 80% of the standards you've set. People are from the habit of expecting too much from others when they don't even embody some of these standards.
In my way, I've tailored to mind to seek stability and normalcy. Because I don't embody some of the natural qualities that automatically create choices for me, I have become realistic with my expectations. Nevertheless, I hate that I have to always think about my failings when I need to decide what I truly want. My whole life has always been, expunging what I truly desire to what I need.
This doesn't just hurt, it creates a feeling of numbness, it's why I try to exist in my universe alone, where I feel safe. Lately, I've come out of my shell to seek stability and I've been shocked by how instability is the perfect way to define the world at the moment. Recently I've tried to take what I do not want and made attempts to change them into what I want.
But then, sometimes our efforts towards change can be proportional to playing God. There are limits to what we can change, one of such things Is trying to change people (for the better) who do not truly desire to change.
However, because of my lack of choice, I find it difficult to go out there to create choices, because they automatically end up in disappointment for me, trying to make what I have into what I want hasn't worked either. Sometimes I snap out of this by generally being grateful to be alive..... It's the only form of denial that's kept me afloat.
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