― Michael Ondaatje
Jana
I now had closure concerning the two most painful past relationships in my life―Clare and Sofia.
Clare, I could literally lay to rest after sadly learning of her suicide. Sofia, on the other hand, was very much alive and willing to resume a relationship, but she was more about bondage than romance and I had no desire to be entrapped in her debauched drama again.
After confronting my past and finding it a dead end, I could truly move on into my future.
I no longer felt conflicted. I knew what I wanted and it was summed up in Sarah. Quinn would always be in my life as a close friend and the only remaining loose end to be tied up involved Jana.
My relationship with Jana was complicated. I was undeniably attracted to her but there was a conflict of interest because she was my student. Every time I tried to distance myself , I became more entangled.
She was quicksand and as Victor Hugo once wrote: "With sand as with women, there's a fineness that is treacherous."
To add to my angst, I felt guilt about her being assaulted simply because she knew me. I wanted to visit her but was warned away by Sarah who felt any relationship with her was fraught with danger.
I couldn't argue with that because a continued relationship would pose dangers to both of us.
I was feeling restless and decided to take a walk to stretch my legs, but as I began to go out, I found her waiting at my door, shivering from the cold and looking forlorn.
"Jana! What are you doing here?"
"Hi Prof―I needed to see you but couldn't get up the nerve to knock and come in."
Her teeth were chattering and lips blue―clearly she had been standing there a long time. Prudence suggested I not take her in but compassion overrode that consideration―how could I shut her out in her condition?
"Come in before you freeze to death out here."
I brought her into the den and sat her by the fire. I wrapped an afghan around her and brought her a steaming mug of hot chocolate.
Part of me knew I was reprising the same mistake I made in her condo, but what else could I do? The girl was in danger of suffering frost bite.
I made sure not to sit too close though, by choosing a chair directly opposite her.
After a few minutes, colour returned to her pale cheeks and her trembling subsided.
"I heard about your being assaulted, Jana. I wanted to visit you but Lieutenant Morris thought it would be unadvisable since your association with me had already caused you grave risk."
She nodded. "Yeah, I don't think that woman likes me very much. She seems suspicious of my motives."
I had no response to that since I knew it to be the case.
Staring at Jana's lovely face and seeing her suffering aroused my protective instincts.
Jana seemed to sense it too and pressed on, "I know Miss Carmichael removed me from your lectures but can't we still keep in touch?"
Her pleading eyes were so hard to resist, but part of me knew I had to maintain my distance.
"Much as I enjoy seeing you and would miss our discussions, both Ms. Carmichael and Lieutenant Morris are right―it's just too dangerous to risk putting you in further danger."
"She began to weep. "I thought we had a special bond and thought you sensed it too. Clearly, I was wrong. I should have known when you didn't visit me in the hospital or even call to check up on me."
"I wanted to do those things, Jana, but our relationship had already caused you to be threatened and now assaulted. As hard as it seems, it's better for both of us to keep our distance."
She grew agitated. "I knew it was a mistake to come here. I always seem to end up on the short end of the stick when it comes to men. I should have known you'd be no different."
She threw off the blanket I draped over her and rose to her feet intending to flee from the situation,
But perhaps she got up a little too quickly and had a momentary spell of lightheadedness and stumbled and would have fallen but I caught her in my arms.
Before I knew what was happening she kissed me hard on the lips. I had to struggle to quell the desire her unexpected gesture kindled in me.
I grasped her by the shoulders and held her at arm's length. "We can't do this, Jana―it's wrong."
"You should have thought of that when spending time with me at school or being alone with me in my apartment. What did you expect me to think?"
Before I could answer she grabbed her coat and ran out the door, visibly upset.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire―that's what Hardy said about Tess in the novel. Jana's own predicament seemed equally hopeless and tragic.
But I was no Alec d'Urberville trying to seduce or manipulate her. I was grieved she was upset and feeling abused but those reactions on her part were far from my intentions.
Striving to make things better, I made them worse again. I seemed trapped in this endless cycle of hurting and disappointing women.