We come to realize often enough that we can’t truly know ourselves unless we see through the eyes of other people. I don’t like to take people’s words a lot of times about who I am or what I represent, because often times, people could unwittingly tell you all shades of who you’re not, and if you accept that and let it get to you, then you’re in for something that may or not be a lifelong tragedy.
However, when it comes to physical attributes, I think most of what I came to know about myself was told to me by people. I wasn’t self aware for a long time, so a lot of things people told me about myself came as a shock to me. It was when we did this partner activity for English class in junior secondary were you chose a partner and wrote an essay about how he or she looked, their personality and whatnot, did I realize things about myself.
Maybe if it was a guy that I was paired with who wrote those things, I wouldn’t have paid it any mind. But because it was a girl, I took extra care to check the mirror afterwards for whether or not it was true. Small ears, wide eyes, wide lips, pointy nose, a shoulder tilt, and all of that. I was astounded and even confirmed from those at home that the things she wrote in her essay about me were true. Of course, the stuff she included that weren’t exactly ideal and I could change like the shoulder tilt, I did. But the rest were just right and made me more confident about it.
When it comes to a character trait that someone has told me about that I didn’t know or maybe I did but refused to accept was being judgemental. So, my friend, a day after I’d had this hour long conversation with our friend group, came to me and said. “You know you have a very judgemental personality, right?”
My first instinct was to bristle with anger because I didn’t think that was true in the least bit. I think I was about seventeen or eighteen then and the fact that someone would think I was that heavily flawed made me feel some type of way. But with an uncharacteristic act of patience, I went quiet and urged her to continue.
She basically said that I wasn’t directly judgemental. In the sense that I don’t directly say, “What you’re doing is bad, you should be ashamed of yourself.” But that what I did was to talk about myself in a way that clearly spelt out that I could never do what that person did or be in that situation the person found themselves. Then she talked about the fact that I hold onto my ideals very strongly. That I already have these set principles and values in my head, and I’m not open to accommodating anything else. That I judge squarely on those ideals and don’t give room to what others may have gone through that put them in that position.
It was a hard talk. And to be honest, I was defensive. I’ll at least admit that I didn’t go saying, “Oh, thank you so much for telling me about this. I’ll do better.” At least not immediately. I was defensive, acted hurt and even mad, and then walked out. But then I got back home, took a shower, and willed myself to think with an open mind. When my conscience wants to get at me, it calls me out in the firmest of ways and I had to listen to myself criticise me and give light to everything my friend said.
It was a long road but I promised myself to get better and that’s what I’m still doing. No, I’ve not yet gotten the hang of putting my ideals away to accommodate everyone’s thoughts. But, I don’t go out directly or indirectly making people feel terrible cause what they did or want to do doesn’t tally with what I believe in. At least I try to.
So, that’s it, my entry to the questions posed by the Hive Naija Community. Just realized that I technically answered both questions. Have a lovely day, everyone.
Image is mine.
