This is me, while staying with my sister Linda in Claxton
@weirdheadaches, I dug up some old writings where I hadThis may be to cumbersome but I will try it. I have to compose a message,
send it to myself then back to myself so that I can put it in my journal.
Quite involved.
I am still with Linda (my sister) and things are going well enough.
Still there are a few rough spots as can be expected.
I still don't have any income but I have not given up and there are things to
do around here, but not enough to keep me busy so as to not be bored a lot.
I haven't called the VA about the homeless program in nearly 2 weeks,
not have I called Vondell (an older lady friend) since last week.
I must not let things get too far behind.
Also no word from the applications for work that I have put in, but I
need to contact the Dollar General store here to see if they have decided
about whether they can use me.
Not really looking forward to working there or at Wal-Mart for that matter,
but I gotta be proactive and keep the irons in the fire as it were.
I wish Ellen Burkhalter (another old friend) would call so that I would have sht (?)
work in her yard which would be at my own pace and just around the corner.
Most convenient.
well I guess this is all for today the 3 of Aug 2008.
Well, it's come at last.
Linda and I have had a big blow up.
I have already had thoughts about leaving, going back to Dublin but have
not (until now) pursued it.
I tried to contact Ms. Drakes w/ the homeless program but got no answer.
I guess I will try again tomorrow.
I just can't see how I am supposed to answer a question or comment that
I find stupid or demeaning without sounding irritated of disgusted,
which is how I feel.
[This was what my sister was angry with me about]
I tried for years in my diseased way to bring myself down to the level of
intellect of others around me by drinking, but that of course was
stupid of me, destroying my life to try to fit in.
I don't know how long I will be able to continue this way without hurting
Linda or myself.
She says that other people have told her that they feel the same way
about my "attitude" as she does but she is the only one who has ever
said anything about it.
I guess I am just not fit to be around anyone and should therefore take
myself out of the way so as to not be a bother to anyone.
{me being suicidal}
I know that to do that would hurt everyone but they would get over it and
I would not be a continuing source of pain or dissension to others.
I have prayed over and over about this.
I don't see much of a way out, but I must try.
If I do anything now, it would be especially hurtful to the quartet
[Here I'm drawing a blank, I don't remember being involved with
Any quartet] and to Jason Tyner. [Both his Father, then a few years
Later an older brother committed suicide]
The last person the quartet approached about playing for them
committed suicide a few weeks after they made the offer and
Jason has already had suicide tarnish his young life far more than
anyone should have to.
I was supposed to be a help to him so if I did anything now it would
devastate him and probably send him over the edge to either suicide
or heavy drug use and then suicide.
I just wish there were some hole I could go and crawl into so that
people would just leave me alone.
[I stuck it out with my sister until Mar 3 2009, when I took advantage
Of an offer from my niece and moved to Fayetteville Ga with them]
To: Peter Vivenzio[a man in a church in Brunswick, a great help to me]
Subject: Hey Peter-Good news!
How are you my friend? I'm sorry for not writing in so long. I've had a lot
going on.
I had nasal/septal reconstructive surgery in Mar.,
I just wanted to let you know I am still here and, I think, on the right path.
I am clean, sober and celibate, in church and loving God.
Thanks for all your help and Prayers.
Love Jerry
Peter's Reply
I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU.
HOW ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
GOD CAN DO AMAZING THINGS THROUGH THOSE WHO WILL TRUST HIM
……YOU ARE A LIVING EXAMPLE OF THAT…SHARE YOUR STORY WITH OTHERS…
PARTICULARLY WITH THOSE IN DESPERATE NEED.
Peter
[My counselor in the Domiciliary program, Paula Barrett was a
great help, though we did have an "Adversarial Relationship" many times,
she got me digging into my past, And releasing a lot of pent up pain]
Subject: Anniversary
Importance: High
Hi Paula, Hope you are well. I just passed 2 years sober yesterday.
Feels good so far.
I'm still unemployed, but I went to and passed a CNA
school and am now certified in the state of Georgia.
I got hired at a nursing home PRN and have worked there 3 days so
far with another date as patient escort on the 8th.
I don' know if you will get this so reply if you do and if you
like I will fill you in on more of recent developments.
Take care. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love
Jerry
From Paula Barrett
What a pleasant surprise and gift to hear from you as I return
from a long weekend.
I am so proud of your path to sobriety and recovery and your educational
accomplishments!
I hope you add your piano talent to your resume as you seek employment -
it is a great asset in a nursing home and brings so much pleasure to others.
If you ever get to Atlanta on a Sunday, please try to make it to St. Mark UMC
and say hello to my dear friend Phillip(Associate Minister),
you will be very welcome there.
I am doing well in DC and continue with school.
I have HUGE exams on August 2 and 9 and after that, it's all downhill -
4 classes, dissertation and one year internship to go! Stay in touch.
Be well,
Paula
[Never heard from Peter Vivencio again, and I reach out to Paula almost
Every summer on my anniversary.
So here ends my ]
by
Jerry E Smith
©6/29/2019
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