I need to stop. projecting. my shadow. onto others.
I recently had a houseguest and a very interesting situation - feeling physical attraction, but emotional repulsion.
I don't often dislike people, so this was a bit of a novel experience.
And my dislike... has nothing to do with the houseguest. We had some laughs, until for whatever reason I felt like he reminded me of my dad while growing up. He was very emotionally inaccessible and this guest made himself thus. All the time he was working, sequestered in his room. He would come down for an hour or two for dinner, and then return to his room. Locking himself and his attention away.
Don't get me wrong - I can handle a houseguest that is just someone giving me money to stay. But someone whom I consider a friend... with whom the boundaries are occasionally blurred whenever he deigns to kiss me on the mouth (no tongue though, fortunately, but still...)... it's hard not to have some kind of expectation of the level of interaction you'll have with them.
So to this person I have ascribed all of these negative characteristics that I probably don't have any actual knowledge of. Like he's very sad. Like he doesn't experience joy (he talks about it but I don't believe I see him experience joy when he is dancing tango). Like he is afraid of the truth. Like he just wants to take from me (the several times we've been talking and he's said "you inspired me to do bla bla bla"). Like the time he asked me if I would date him - I took it as a literal question but when I asked him about it he essentially said he was looking for validation. He should have asked if he was datable, which is a very different question than "would you date me." Like he wants to be right all the time.
I don't know but he's been added to the list of men I can't connect to. I don't know if I'm afraid, or triggered, or experiencing and healing my shadow, or still wounded, or just have unreal expectations, but whatever the reason, we just don't connect on that level. Sure, the physical attraction is absolutely there, but that's the easy part. The stuff that matters though, isn't there. I don't have energy for chasing yet another man who doesn't have anything to give me. Regardless of the reason I can't connect with him. If it's not there, it's not there and I'm not wasting any more time forcing or chasing.
