I'm grown enough to know the difference between a heartache and a wound. And I'm experienced enough to know what (one of the) causes (of) heartache (is) - it's when you've built up an illusion and you become attached to that illusion and then you get evidence or something somehow causes that illusion to shatter and you're either left with shards or severed connections or whatever and it is really painful because what you loved and believed, you've found out, is no longer true and may not have ever been.
man, if i'm gonna let you get me naked you're gonna let me get you naked. we both offer up our naked selves in service of this union.
maybe i'm speaking backwards or maybe I'm speaking forwards but let me speak now, in the present, I am here.
myself at 20 had nothing on me at 38. at 20 the mind went wild, wove beautiful fantasies built of ignorance of the entire concept of "relationship" - yeah, I'll graduate college and will be able to get married, 23 is a good age for that - taking for granted, or being entirely uninformed of, the fact that relationships are a process, they are dynamic, they don't just come to be overnight, the same way you don't get pumpkins the moment you plant the seed. There's a process. an unfolding. in our* case, a desnuding (what other word could possibly exist to describe it? disrobing - allowing layer after layer to come off). At 20 or at 38 there has alway been much to disrobe. At 20 I had no concept of the wounds I sustained from being in a religious group and therefore no way to have even known what needed disrobing. At 38, having become aware of it, done and in the process of doing as much work as possible to correct the programming, heal those early wounds, I am much more aware of all the other things that must be disrobed - the layers I have put on as self-protection to prevent or cover up those later wounds - but in this light, I can see all of them. I can see my distrust and how that causes me to project doubts onto you, assumptions about what you're doing (are you just trying to get another conquest? maybe you are but i fell for it willingly) and also the desire to rise above these things, to see and appreciate all of the good, the feelings, whatever it is that is real that connects us.
I suppose that's it for now. I've done the "make it go" game and tired of it maybe two years ago. What I mean is that once I become aware that I am the one putting in the effort I let go making it go and see if it goes on its own. And I'm grown enough to accept its course because music exists and there is no rush.
*i am not quite certain to whom this refers. i could be speaking backwards into the past or i could be speaking forwards into the future or i could be speaking directly to you here in the present as you read this - for now let's allow all these possibilities to exist in superposition because "hechos - no palabras" - facts and actions are what matters; the words when spun inside my head serve to build illusions. which is why if i come to the conclusion that "i love you" from eight thousand miles away it is immediately suspect, because I once heard a song that said "don't put in the letter what you can't say in my ear" and if I can't share words of such profound importance out loud with you right in front of me, is what I say even real? can it be?
