Cold and Alone?

I don't like winter. I used to love it. Magical changes to the landscape, new opportunities to play, reminders of the upcoming holidays season, and so forth were all good associations. However, for as long as I can remember, I have disliked the cold itself. And on top of that, I sustained some workplace injuries in 2007 and 2012 which added the extra dimension of back pain in response to the swings in temperature and barometric pressure.

Last night, it was so bad I was dreaming about trying to mitigate my pain but could not find a comfortable position. It was all to no avail. Only a cocoon of aches cradled my body despite blankets and cushions. There was someone trying to help in my dream, but I woke up alone this morning. There is still cold and pain but no one to offer a kind hand.

The lack of light this time of year does not help. Winter also brings shorter daylight and earlier evenings. This won't really escalate until this weekend when the retards in legislatures decreed we must retard our clocks and nightfall will hit during mid-afternoon. I already leave the library after dark as it is. I do not want to continue this stupid pointless ritual which, like all political decisions, has a perverse intertia long after everyone has agreed it's bullshit.

It's not all gloom though. This evening will also be a game night. I will be joining some friends to roll dice and tell stories in Dungeons & Dragons, or perhaps play card games and badmouth one another over Magic: The Gathering, or maybe just be rowdy while learning Throw Throw Burrito. [edit: postponed 24 hrs.] Now, more than ever, it is important for me to actively resist the gloom by seeking out points of light and joy. The pain doesn't go away, but neither does it have a chance to overwhelm my senses.

I don't much like to write or talk about my own struggles, especially when there is a growing cultural problem of suicide and depression awareness that sometimes swings into overdrive. Don't worry, I have zero interest in unaliving myself, as the kids might say as they dodge the hyper-vigilant web2.0 censorship algorithms. However, I do acknowledge that suicides may escalate, and some elderly people apparently just give up on life during winter. I want this post to be an encouragement to continue through the pain. Acknowledge it in spite of our culture of toxic positivity which demands ignoring struggles and sorrows. Accept what you cannot change, and find healthy ways to cope. Friends and family can be a lifeline. Hobbies and fellowship can help mask the pain and give goals which keep you going in spite of it.

These challenges don't need to be the only thing you see ahead. And if you can't help yourself, seek real help from others. I have been critical of many religious trends but there are also likely congregations of genuine, kind people willing to help in your neighborhood. Charitable organizations probably exist in your area. There are suicide hotlines and support groups if you are struggling with serious depression. Your local library has everything from community connections to self-help books, not to mention good novels to read by the fire as you rediscover how to be cozy in spite of your struggles. Others can't see your pain, so reach out if you want others to reach you. It may be getting cold and gray here in the north, but if you feel the gloom reaching in, there can still be a spark of color in your soul. And you can win.