Ever met someone looking for a roommate that had their shit together?
Me either.
I realize the potential hypocrisy of this, but I never said I have my shit together either. I'm just a cool motherfucker whose shit is not completely together.
But I digress, having roommates almost always sucks.
I recruited my first roommate after I graduated high school in 2006. I was dating this beautiful girl that looked just like Maggie on Walking Dead.
She looked so much like her that when I first saw the character years later in the show, I had to look up the name of the actress to see if it was her. Look at Lauren Cohen! Say you wouldn't uproot and move away from everything you know to keep that going and I'll call you a damn liar.
Spoiler alert. It didn't work out.
I was 18 and dumb as fuck, with no plan and 7 grand. I saved up some money after a sweet gig cutting down trees for $100 a day. I was also in the best shape I've ever been in. How I miss that metabolism!
The friend I moved in with, we'll call him James, was raised by a crackhead/alcoholic mom who frequently blew her allowance from James's dad on her vices. She would call James at two in the morning to pick her up from a bar 30 minutes away. This bitch would come in and take James's weed. Not all of it though, just a couple blunts worth. It especially pissed me off because I threw in on it and she would take like half of it. One time James tried to stop her by holding the bag to his chest and saying, "Get your own!" Then she would start yelling at him and saying stuff to the effect of, "After all I've done for you!" or "I'll tell your dad I caught you smoking!" She was a biiiiiiiitch!
James also smelled like shit on several occasions per week. No one did laundry in that house or when they did they did a god-awful job of it. He and his mom would sometimes wash the clothes, then hang them to dry by the window. That doesn't really work though, it just makes the clothes half-dry and stinky like mildew.
He looked like Seth Rogan.
One time, he came over and his shoes stank. My mom told me I needed to go to the laundry room and spray them with Febreze, which she had already done once. The smell was making it into other rooms, spreading like that weird shadow monster in Stranger Things 2.
So I just finish spraying the shit out of his shoes when opens the door so I pretend to spray the rest of the room. He puts his foot in his shoe and said, "What the hell? My shoes are wet?"
"Yeah, mine too! The humidity is crazy in here."
I did tell him one time, "Dude, I'm just telling you as a friend, you stink."
"Fuck you! You stink." was his response.
I know what you're thinking, this doesn't sound like a good candidate for a roommate. And you're right.
Buuuuuuttttt......
We didn't even do it right, like reasonable people. James and I lived at an RV park that rented out trailers called The Hobo Camp, on recommendation from Ashley's grandpa. He was a cool old man but that was a stupid fucking idea, looking back I can't believe I did that. Like, get an apartment, duh! Jesus!
We were paying $1,000 a month to live in fucking tiny house! I was to young and ignorant to know that that was a huuuuge ripoff. Now I split payments on a $650 apartment on the nice side of town. Not bragging, just saying.
This was the first time I had seen or heard of a tiny house and realized that they are perfect for one person, horrible for two. The master bedroom fit a full size bed and a desk. There was a small bathroom, and a kitchen/living room that was about as big as the bed and bathroom combined. Above the bed and bathroom was a 4 foot loft with a full size bed. After a month it began to look like an old attic/garbage storage facility because James used it primarily for storage and slept mostly on the couch in the living room after crashing from a slew of Monster energy drinks and a minimum of eight hours playing Final Fantasy XII.
The clothes, cans, and Magic the Gathering cards began to form a junkyard carpet on the floor after a while. The grandpa hooked him up with a job at a Samsung facility north of Austin, about an hour drive away. I want to say they started him out at $12/hour, which was pretty high considering the minimum wage at the time was 6 something. He ended up getting fired for being late twice. I worked there for a little bit longer but ended up quitting because the guy that hooked up the job pissed me off by ragging on me to the family members at church. He was a real douche to work for anyway. This did lead to a downward financial spiral that eventually caused me to move back home temporarily.
Mistakes were made and lessons were learned.
Roommate Lesson #1
A slob at rest remains a slob.
