In our last conversation I told you how I started with working with volunteers and created our innovative system. In this one I'll share how the experience has been for me personally, especially how I've grown through it.
Working with volunteers has forced me to face two of my deepest fears. One of those fears is losing my loved ones. I'm very relational and I love getting to know people. I actually really enjoy working relationships for that reason, because there's nothing like striving shoulder to shoulder for a great cause to see each other's true colours. The problem is that I love hard and deep and I get attached. I guess that's not a problem, but it does make it hard when people come and go and, as I mentioned in the previous story, we've had a relatively high turnover rate. I try to practice the discipline of separating between my personal and professional life, but all too often the two get mixed up as my volunteers become my friends and vice versa. Again, not saying that's bad but it does make it hard when life happens and people need to move on. After a couple years of this I hit a low point. I was struggling to keep my heart soft and open toward newcomers and not just see them as people who would one day be gone. What brought me back to life was when I told myself two things - I love, because that's who I am. And love is worth it, regardless. It also helped to practice relating in the moment and simply enjoying each interaction for what it was.
My other fear is having people drop me on my face. I usually prefer to work independently and do things myself because I hate it when people fail me. Maybe I have trust issues, or it might be related to the high priority that I place on coming through for the people who need me. Whatever the case may be, working with volunteers has certainly struck at this little Achilles heel of mine. While most of our volunteers have been exceptionally reliable, we have had the occasional person who didn't follow instructions, or ghosted their ministry without telling us, or threw everything in the air and left us to clean up the mess. I don't know if some of these people never had a job before or if they thought that poopy work was ok as long as it was supposedly being done for God, but these situations were certainly opportunities for deep inner work on my part. Staying calm, practicing selflessness and inner detachment, "thou shalt not murder", not allowing myself to joke that you get what you pay for and that you just can't get good free labour anymore. And, hardest of all, facing my fear of being let down and choosing to practice trust. Instead of allowing a bad experience to sour my view of humanity, stopping to realize just how many good experiences I've had.
While we're at it I'll confess another issue that I've been forced to face. I can be perfectionistic and controlling. Ok, that was two. But they go together, especially when you create an open system and then turn it over to volunteers to run. My work is my art, so allowing other people into that has been difficult for me. At the same time though, our whole volunteer system has become its own beautiful and ever-changing masterpiece. And it hasn't just been a system, either - it's people, and delicately interlaced relationships, and the imprints they're leaving in the lives of so many people I could never touch on my own. Seeing my colleagues come through with their own creative genius, learning to collaboratively create new art, trusting and letting go, becoming more open to surprises and the unexpected, sharing vulnerably with an inner circle, allowing myself to lean on those around me...all these experiences have made me more human, more alive, more free. Confronting my own fears and issues hasn't been fun, but it has been worth it. So to each of my colleagues who have given me the opportunity for inner work and have helped make me a better man, thank you.
Speaking of colleagues, the Hebrew word for 'fellow' also means 'friend' and 'shepherd' and that's definitely been my experience. Our volunteers have not only become dear friends, they've also functioned as my thinktank and circle of counsellors. Many times I've submitted questions and pending decisions and they brought the tough questions, honest input, and moral support I needed. Who knows, maybe sometimes I've been able to speak into their lives and volunteering has helped them grow too! I really do love seeing people find themselves and discover their superpowers. One fun thing we do to get to know new volunteers is have them pick an animal that pictures a strength or quirky trait of theirs. In some cases those even go on to become their nicknames. I chose the pitbull because they're happy and laidback, but they're also incredibly tenacious and once they lock in they don't let go. We also have them do a Myers-Briggs personality test which I've found to be enormously helpful in understanding myself and other people. (I'm an ENFJ and if you know what you are let me know!)
Speaking of personality types, remember in the previous story I told you about that low point we hit when I took a Sabbatical to self-audit and soul-search? One item of input that our Directors gave was that we spend less time on personality and more time on character. The journey that transpired from that one piece of advice is a story all its own and one that's still unfolding as I write this. The short version is that I began studying Mussar, a genre of Jewish literature focused on inner work, character development, and discipline. One more beautiful thing that grew from rock bottom.
I've honestly wished I could find an organization I really believe in where I could volunteer and experience what our volunteers are getting in on, but my observations are that such opportunities are pretty rare. In another way though I guess I have volunteered with Holy Language Institute and Yeshua Groups, considering I'm in the thick of it every day and have personally created and at some point filled every one of the more than forty ministries we have going. Also this is kind of neat, I do have a specific ministry I personally fill - the birthdays and anniversaries ministry. When it's a volunteer's birthday or workaversary with us I get on our Marco Polo video group and express the specific things I appreciate about that person and invite our other volunteers to join me in showing them some love. I feel like it's a ministry that fits me really well.
So now that I've told you about all my issues and problems, it's your turn to tell me about yours haha! But really, if you're looking for opportunities to do deeper inner work, consider volunteering. Learn more about volunteering with Holy Language Institute here: https://holylanguage.com/volunteer.html and Yeshua Groups here: https://yeshuagroups.com/volunteer.html
And if you have volunteered, thank you again for everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It has all been a gift and like I said has given me the opportunity to work on myself and become a more loving, humble, and authentic human.
And thank you God.
