Los amaneceres son distintos, el frío que siento en mi cuerpo se hace muchas veces intolerable, pero debo comprender que no puedo depender de ti, de tu recuerdo que se aferra a mi memoria como un lastre. Me levanto en automático, realizando acciones sin medir reparos. Me siento entumecida mientas la vida sigue su cauce y no se detiene a pensar.
Voy al trabajo; escribir me cuesta. Mi imaginación parece haberse vaciado. No encuentro palabras, las ideas carecen en mi cabeza, y solo estas tú susurrándome un adiós. Rememoro esas palabras que abrieron una grieta dentro de mí que no he podido cerrar. Me desconcentro, no logro mantener la cordura, pues el dolor es muy fuerte.
Los minutos pasan; me siento exhausta, desgastada. Las manos me tiemblan y el deseo de tomar mi celular es casi imprudente. Ni siquiera puedo procesar lo que mi corazón intenta descifrar cuando late descontrolado. Mientras las palabras se forman en mi mente una vez más.
Deduzco que parezco un alma en pena, un ser irracional; las miradas de mis colegas se hacen constantes, incluso los veo con ánimos de acercarse a preguntar si todo anda bien conmigo. A lo que tendría que responderles una respuesta ensayada que bien podría ser la de una actriz.
Al final del día regreso al vacío, una carcasa hueca que no tiene vida y que reclama tu presencia. Yo también la reclamo en silencio, mientras me quito la ropa para meterme a la tina.
El silencio es avasallador; ya no oigo tu risa o tu música estridente. Extraño todo lo que hacías para que este lugar fuera un hogar. Sin embargo, me remito a los recuerdos que me hieren por dentro, pero que a su vez me alivian. Saber que fuiste mía consuela un poco, aunque no lo suficiente.
Me siento cansada para cocinar, así que decido pedir algo a domicilio; comida china para variar. La tailandesa era tu favorita, pero hoy no puedo soportarla. Espero en la sala mientras llega mi orden. Tengo que cambiar, me repito con constancia, pero es imposible borrar tus labios de los míos, extrañar tus caricias, o como tu voz pronunciaba mi nombre.
Pero te fuiste, decidiste que no era suficiente, que la vida conmigo no valía la pena. Y yo fui una tonta por intentar retenerte cuando sabía que no duraría. Te enamoraste de otra, dijiste con total convicción, haciendo que mi corazón se partiera en mil pedazos. Te marchaste diciendo solo un simple adiós. Un adiós que aún duele cuando veo que ya no estás.
Y ahora vivo como un autómata que debe intentar superar un corazón roto, que debe sostenerse de pensamientos cautos para sobrevivir, aunque el tiempo siga doliendo y los recuerdos tarden en marchitarse.
There was a time when I thought you were mine; those moments when we shared a toothbrush, when the bed was too big for us. There was a time when your absence didn't hurt me because after a long day I would come back to you.
The dawns are different, the cold I feel in my body often becomes intolerable, but I must understand that I cannot depend on you, on your memory that clings to my memory like a ballast. I get up on automatic, performing actions without measuring qualms. I feel numb while life goes on and doesn't stop to think.
I go to work; writing is difficult. My imagination seems to have been emptied. I can't find words, ideas are lacking in my head, and there's only you whispering a goodbye. I recall those words that opened a crack inside me that I have not been able to close. I lose my mind, I can't keep my sanity, because the pain is too strong.
The minutes pass; I feel exhausted, worn out. My hands shake and the desire to pick up my cell phone is almost reckless. I can't even process what my heart is trying to decipher as it beats out of control. As the words form in my mind once again.
I deduce that I look like a soul in pain, an irrational being; the stares from my colleagues become constant, I even see them eager to approach me to ask if everything is all right with me. To which I would have to answer them with a rehearsed answer that could well be that of an actress.
At the end of the day I return to the void, a lifeless hollow shell that claims your presence. I silently claim it too, as I remove my clothes to get into the bathtub.
The silence is overpowering; I no longer hear your laughter or your raucous music. I miss everything you did to make this place a home. However, I turn to the memories that hurt me inside, yet soothe me at the same time. Knowing that you were mine comforts a little, though not enough.
I feel too tired to cook, so I decide to order some take-out; Chinese food for a change. Thai used to be your favorite, but today I can't stand it. I wait in the living room while my order arrives. I have to change, I repeat myself constantly, but it's impossible to erase your lips from mine, to miss your caresses, or how your voice pronounced my name.
But you left, you decided it wasn't enough, that life with me wasn't worth it. And I was a fool for trying to keep you when I knew it wouldn't last. You fell in love with another, you said with total conviction, making my heart break into a thousand pieces. You left saying just a simple goodbye. A goodbye that still hurts when I see you're not here.
And now I live like an automaton who must try to overcome a broken heart, who must hold on to cautious thoughts to survive, even though time still hurts and memories take time to wither.
