"Attention, intruders. Your attention, please. This is the ship's human. I am sincerely sorry to inform you that my Aunt Flow has come to visit me for Shark Week. You have ten minutes to get out of here before I come over there, rip you open with my bare hands, and feast on your internal organs to replenish the vital materials that my body has decided to purge via my reproductive system. I haven't been able to find any pain relief that does more than take half the edge off, and our theobromine didn't make it past customs. I repeat, ten minutes. Thank you."
After retreating from the cruise ship they had been attempting to capture for ransom, the pirates took the time to look up "Shark Week" and, for good measure, "Aunt Flow". They were surprised to find that they were the same thing. They were somewhat less surprised to find that that thing was covered with offensensitivity warnings. -- Escla
As far as Deathworlder threats went, it was even more effective for the lack of knowledge concerning the terms used within it. They were smart enough to know that it wasn't wise to hang around when a Human threatened death and destruction, even when they really wanted to know what certain terms actually meant.
There were the free infonets for that kind of thing. Far less risky to life and limb than risking a Deathworlder's obvious ire. The Shandy Shanty made an expeditious retreat to one of their least-hazardous hideouts before risking their research.
Search term: Aunt-Flow, Human-phraseology, explanation. Search result: Terran euphemism, dating back to pre-Shattering era when reproductive necessities were taboo. See: Human reproductive system, uterine cleansing cycle. Offensensitivity warning: bodily fluids, blood, pain, muscle spasms, partial organ failure, hormonal peaks.
They did not immediately wish to wander down that particular warren just yet, so they looked up the other term.
Search term: Shark-week, Human-phraseology, explanation. Search result: Terran euphemism, dating back to pre-Shattering era when reproductive necessities were taboo. See: Human reproductive system, uterine cleansing cycle. Offensensitivity warning: bodily fluids, blood, pain, muscle spasms, partial organ failure, hormonal peaks.
They were the same thing? How many euphemisms could Deathworlders have for their reproductive processes?
The hardiest of the Pirates dared delve deeper. Reading in horrified fascination about how the Human uterus essentially strangles itself near to death as part of its self-cleaning process. The Human experiencing this once every twenty-eight days also experienced levels of pain that even the average Galactic Citizen could not withstand. They underwent hormonal fluctuations that could send more rational cogniscents to the brink of insanity or even beyond.
Then there was the list of horrific things that could go wrong with this system. A series of maladies that were, for centuries, dismissed as "womens' troubles" and summarily ignored until simulations made the experiences very real for those prone towards dismissal.
Theobromine in varying forms was only a partial remedy, but recommended as an essential one.
Once they understood all this, the crew of the Shady Shanty banded together to send the cruise ship and its ships' human an apology in the form of every stable compound of theobromine they could lay their collective claws on.
They also included a note: We are very, very sorry that we gave you a worse day than you needed.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / zimmytws]
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