There are many unspoken laws across the galaxy. Don’t provoke a calm man. Fear the wrath of a protective mother. Don’t take any of Human Girth's drinks. Ok maybe not that the last one but it only applies to one ship. -- Anon Guest
Welcome aboard the Poke And Run, do not accept beverages from the Ship's Human. You do not want to know why. Even though we know you'll say you do. The usual rules of space travel apply: never ask what can go wrong, because it will. Never state how things could be worse. Never go for EVA without checking your suit, always have a roll of ductape, and don't ask a Human about their special interests unless you want to be adopted.
There's more, but you already know them. Yes. You want to know about Human Girth and their beverages. Don't say we didn't warn you.
"Oh hey. New hire, right?" The Human is like most Humans. Large, hairy, prone to displaying their teeth. Like many of them, the gender dimorphism present may not match their gender identity, so 'they' or 'ze' will work until they make their preference known. "You want the kitchen tour plus Girth's Beverages Tutorial."
Trust us, you do not want Girth's Beverages Tutorial.
"Ah, hahaha... such a kidder." A wider display of omnivore teeth. They're clean, like the Human is clean, but there's so many pathogens lurking in there anyway. It's a marvel they're cleared for so much contact. "I can see the curiosity gleaming in those beady little eyes. Promise I won't make you drink anything. You just watch how it's done."
Oh merciful Powers, here we go...
"Let's start with coffee. I got me some powdered mocha mix tubes. Two of those emptied into the mug." Which was unnervingly large and bore the legend, Yes, I need this much theobromine. "Tablespoon of brown sugar, two teaspoons of regular sugar, a good squirt of caramel sauce." A rather large squirt, actually. "Two heaping teaspoons of drinking chocolate, and then stir all of that together before we add the espresso."
We did try to warn you. We really did.
"After three shots of espresso, it's all cream until you reach the top. Now onto the tea."
Sweet Powers, have mercy. Spare them from your idea of tea.
"I make a big ole mix of powdered stuff. Can't get enough of it. See this big bag?" It was enormous, and had silver marker pen on it that read, Girth's tea powder. Handle with care! "I practically live on this stuff. If I'm down, and this lot runs out, it's a pretty simple recipe."
The guide groaned inarticulately.
"So. One cup each of instant tea, powdered lemon, dehydrated orange juice, then there's eight cups of sugar, four tablespoons of cinnamon, two of ground cloves, and half a cup of non-dairy creamer, and then you mix that up real good. Two teaspoons of that in a cup of hot water and that's my jam right there."
Inexplicably, this Human had all their teeth. The temptation was strong to scan and see if they were the original adult set.
"Now, for how I make hot chocolate." More packages came out of the stores. Cocoa powder. Cocoa butter. Drinking chocolate. Three kinds of sugar and something called malted milk powder. And yet more were coming out.
Now, the visitor thought, would be a great time to faint.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / DivaS]
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