Yesterday was my birthday, and I tweeted this on my real account because it was what I feel throughout the day. It was never different from any of my birthdays. From the past and that of yesterday, they were all the same. And I always feel like I should not celebrate a special day.
Do I sound rude? Honesty is not always on the good side. You can also hear something like this.
I was born on the 12th day of December. I don't remember any single memories from my early childhood. I know it from stories my mother told me. Sometimes, she tells me stories about it even though I don't ask about them. That's how I knew how I am before. I'm a typical child who grew with the love of his parents. But it seems like that's not the case when you grow up. They say I was different from my siblings and that I am smarter among us. But although they tell me such things, I still can't stop asking myself, " what is my purpose? "
As I grew, that thought never fade away. From elementary to high school until college, I am still that child asking why am I living in this world. What is my purpose? And gradually, that has never remained a single question. Will everything remain the same? Can I hold on until the end? Can I correct a mistake and change how everyone thinks of me? Why am I treated like this? What was my mistake?
Up until now, the people around me have taught me that I do not have the right to be angry towards them. Only they can. I cannot speak what is on my mind and what I think is right because everyone is entitled. They're old, and I am young. It seems that age does matter. Why do some people believe that they are righteous just because they are older?
I always witness that when anyone is angry or feels irritated. And although you're not involved, you'll be treated like you are the one who made a mistake. And I hate that feeling. At times like that, I feel like I am slapped with some truth. You'll get to hear what a person thinks of you when they are angry. And I don't know why I made it a habit to remember every word thrown at me.
I always tell myself to toughen it up and to never be like them. I have to endure it all because I don't have the courage to say what I want. I think it's not that I am afraid to be deemed as disrespectful. I just got tired of being in a situation where everyone's eyes are on me. I don't want to hear any unpleasant words towards me anymore so I try to avoid it happening as much. You may be looking at me as someone who is rebellious towards the people around me, but I don't have any right to change that. You cannot please everyone. And I've accepted that.
All of that is my depression. I would say I am not mentally healthy but I try so hard to conceal it because one, I don't think somebody would care and two, not everyone has to know. Another result of living like this is that my productivity deteriorates even worse than before. There comes a day where I procrastinate before I'm able to get a task done. There's also a day where I tend to get lost in my thoughts thinking of possibilities without getting anything done.
Just like at blogging, I always go on and off debating that it would be helpful to me. I can already call it a home because imawreader was born here and my dream to be an author is somewhat being realized. Time pass by so fast. If was able to write what aches my heart, you probably knew already that I am someone who's been living a sad life.
Can I really not become like them? I know by now, that everyone thinks that I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything. And although it's getting harder and harder to retrieve my confidence back, still want to try. That no matter how others discourage me to take another path, I still want to prove them wrong.
I found a way to at least ease the pain. I started my other blog A Daily Dose" where I put a quote into a fictional story that is also based on a visual. There I also put in what I feel about that certain topic by reflecting on my past experiences. I don't know if it will work, but I still pursued doing it. I actually haven't written any. I stopped doing it lately not only because of procrastination but also because of the time required to finish one. Maybe I would start to share again next year. I am trying to rebuild myself as much as I can and regain that confidence and the passion to become better.
And as someone who has a lot of ideas in mind, I know it would be hard and it would take more years, but I am willing to endure it all until I can share with you my progress. At the very least, I want someone to know that this guy was the person who wrote this blog and promised to become better. It's not what I usually would do, but I'm taking the advantage of what is possible as of this day.
One day for sure, everything will pay off.
Note: I apologize if this content is full of hatred. I honestly wouldn't want to publish something like this, but I believe readers would appreciate it if I am being honest not only to myself but also to them. This is new to me since I am not the person to do share such a thing. I would rather keep it all inside, but this day is a step forward.
