For years now, someone I know has been running errands for his younger sister. He used to do them with joy and never complained, even when he had to put his needs second at times. Recently, though, he started groaning and seems to be forcing himself to do what was asked of him. He would say yes to requests (like calling someone to order stuff), but would not do it anyway.
Why wouldn't he refuse straightforwardly so as not to make her expect? Perhaps he felt obligated, or maybe he didn't want to disappoint his sibling. And because declining directly can be incredibly hard, some choose to avoid it temporarily by saying yes instead. I'm not really sure what reasons he has, but then, in the end, he would be the one feeling irritated.
But why do we let ourselves go through such turmoil when we can just set clear, healthy personal boundaries without hurting others or damaging our relationships?
Well, again, because boundary-setting is easier said than done, as it is emotionally driven. It requires us to let go of that "guilt feeling" when saying no, because it doesn't mean we are rejecting someone. It asks us to tolerate the discomfort of disappointing others or making them unhappy with our NO, and understand that such discomfort is only temporary and it will pass soon enough.
At the end of the day, it is all worth it, because our time, energy, and mental well-being are important too. Saying no is a sign of self-respect, which means we no longer have to abandon ourselves for others.
Another person I know loves to overexplain herself when she says no, as if she feels guilty of refusing or declining an invitation. I learned from my own experiences that such isn't necessary, because no is already a complete answer and doesn't require further explanation. We can do so politely, without sounding cold.
Saying no is a learning process. I realized that once we accept "no" from other people and view it as a boundary, not a personal attack or rejection, it gets a little easier for us to say no to others as well, without apology.
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