Dating chronicles: My funny dating experiences

My dating experience? From where do I start? okay let me start from the genesis, the first time I knew what love was and had someone that loved me.

The first time I knew what love meant was in High school when I joined the 2go social media, that was my first social media experience, I joined, I started getting attention from different guys but one guy stood out, his name was Kelvin.

Kelvin and I started talking, we would talk for hours even at midnight, updating ourselves on everything going on in our lives, we were in love, and loving someone who you haven’t seen before or have no intentions of seeing was crazy.

During that period a lot of people joined 2go, after a while we started hearing stories of how people got scammed via 2go, one lady even shared her testimony in church that she was almost used for money rituals as she was kidnapped by the guy she met on 2go.

My aunt became frantic, she kept on warning us never to join 2go, my sister and I would act like we heard what she said but we were secretly chatting and exploring 2go, joining all the groups and making as many friends as we could and kept on increasing in rank.

Unknown to us my aunt was playing FBI, monitoring our activities, I was surprised the day she asked me to give her my phone in her words “Madam you don’t sleep again right? You are always talking to boys in the night” I was shocked because I knew I was very discreet with all my calls and this lady sleeps like a log of wood so how was she able to know about my escapades, I wondered. So after she said that I immediately went to my room, and hurriedly sent a text to Kelvin “Please don’t text or call me my aunt is about to cease my phone, I will call you when she gives it back to me “

After I did that I was so happy, I felt like I had outsmarted my aunt by informing my boyfriend on time before she could find out anything but I was wrong, my aunt beat me to my own game.

She took my phone and went to her room, I thought she was just going to hide the phone somewhere and give it back to me when she was tired of keeping it because I knew she wasn’t text savvy then but my aunt blew my mind when she invited her friend to the house, I thought it was the usual ladies talks and gossip they were about to do not knowing that her friend was her accomplice, she was the senior officer in the whole FBI shenanigan as the lady was text savvy.

I was in my room celebrating thinking that my aunt had nothing on me until I heard my name.

“Ibinabo! Ibinabo! come here”
“Yes Aunty, a minute, please, I'll be out shortly” I replied wondering why she was screaming my name.

I entered the room and I was greeted with the 2go app opened on my phone, I was startled.
“Young lady, who is Kelvin?” She asked
“ he's my friend I replied “
“Have you seen Kelvin before she asked again”
“No ma”
“ So Ibinabo you are in Port Harcourt and you are dating someone that is miles away from you, someone in Lagos, someone that you don’t know if he is a witch or a ritual killer ehn? “ trust my aunt to be very superstitious, she continued.

"So if this boy asks you to come to Lagos will you go? As small as you are, you are now in an inter-state relationship”

While I was there thinking about my life and the 1000 ways I wanted to disappear her last statement almost made me burst into laughter, “interstate “ really?

The whole drama didn’t end there as she called Kelvin and started shouting and rebuking him, my Aunt was seriously praying, casting and binding every force in him that wanted to use my destiny, oh Jesus, to say I was embarrassed that day was an understatement and up till date, she still teases me with my inter state boyfriend.

After that incident, I didn’t get into any relationship until I got into college, I had people who picked interest in me but I wasn’t just ready for anything serious, I was only busy with school work, reading my ass out and I was pained when I still didn’t graduate with a first class, all my suffering went down the drain.

A few years later I dated another guy who was a comedian, everything was going smoothly until I started getting used to his jokes and I stopped laughing at them, the jokes became so dry to me.

“Babe can you add more trendy jokes to your collections” I would always advise Charles my boyfriend and he would say “Not everyone has heard these jokes”.I would mentally roll my eyes whenever he said that.

I gave up advising him and would accompany him to the different shows that he was invited to, of course I was the girlfriend so I had to play my role even if his jokes were dry. I noticed people stopped laughing at his jokes that was when an idea struck me.

I decided to hire two of my friends, George and Peter, this young men can really laugh and trust their laughter to do wonders.

So when my boyfriend had a show I would invite these young men and their jobs were to laugh really hard and loud, so whenever my boyfriend cracked a dry joke my friends would start laughing out loud, you know that kind of laughter that is contagious? The one that forces you to laugh against your will that’s the one I am talking about, the audience laughed because of my friends laughter and not my boyfriend’s joke, the young man thought it was his jokes that were cracking the audience up and he felt he was doing a good job little did he know that it was his girlfriend that was working behind the scene.

We broke up afterward and to date, I still haven’t told him what I did back then.

As we search for our missing ribs, one just have to be careful, only God knows how many frogs we will kiss till we find our prince charming, until then, fingers crossed.