I tossed and turned all night, unable to find any peace of mind. I wound up crying a bit, as I had done earlier yesterday. I feel so undesirable. Not only am I on the verge of homelessness; I am a reject of civilization outright. I’m a byproduct of something that has no need for something like me. Like the scraps of a slaughter, I am tossed to the side, forgotten until others are forced to gaze upon me in disgust.
Lawrence came up this morning to check on me, to see if I made it inside after seeing my text. He was relieved. I feel grateful for someone who cares, but it feels hollow. It has nothing to do with him or the others here. I feel like I am being taken care of by a gardener who sympathizes with a dead plant that has been trampled. God keeps me around, despite the rest of His creations not wanting my addition to the garden.
There are roughly 150,000 people in this city. I kinda sorta maybe fit in with three. I cannot even be my full self around them because I am still too weird, but at least I am accepted in the good will of their unconditional love. With everyone else, I have to wear a complete mask and dance their dance to even get the time of day.
Talking with Kola last night made me consciously acknowledge how drastically different I am. He talked about drugs and gangs and all sorts of aspects of the dregs of society like they were a normal staple of life. For how many people is this a truth? It seems like more than I anticipated. I have explored more of this city than ever before, and I see the broken conditions of the houses many, many people live in. Rows after rows of dilapidated structures house who knows how many bodies?
What is life like for those who have never known anything but suffering? I have experienced my fair share of pain in life, but those extreme circumstances have been contrasted with moments of great joy and fortune. It is likely why my life is like riding the waves: a rollercoaster of ups and downs. But what is it like in an endless sea of despair, knowing nothing but pain from birth?
I want to know how these people think and feel and sustain themselves, physically and spiritually. I have needed relatively advanced alchemy to keep this machine of mine moving forward, my efforts often boarding on black magic. How can the breath of life be sustained when it is perpetually ground up, with no light at the end of the tunnel?
I feel that finding such an answer would help me overcome what is keeping me from achieving my full potential. To gain a greater immunity to the forces of life, thicker skin as it may be, I believe my voyage will finally gain real wind in my sails.
But now, here, alone in the attic, I row tirelessly just to stay afloat. I cannot feel good about myself because each time I step out of my comfort zone, I get smacked back. The feedback from being different from others, socially awkward and with fundamentally different interests and desires, keeps me locked away in my mental prison.
I meditated on gratefulness. I want to feel satisfied with the friends I have. I want this screaming desire to be liked to go away. It does with drugs, but that is no solution; just a band-aid. I am hemorrhaging from my soul, and the lingering feelings of perpetual worthlessness make the need for approval impossible to ignore.
Cognitively, I know this will pass. But there is such drastic divide between my mind and body that I am forced to disassociate from my own thoughts and feelings. I feel a million miles away sometimes, like I am piloting a flesh machine through hell. What does it matter? Without love, life is pointless. I suffer, lacking what holds every community, family, and tribe together.
That must be what propels others to push onwards every day. They have what I always wanted. Love. Maybe someday I can love myself enough to accept that from others.
Hey, this is a journal entry from a project I am really enjoying so far. It's allowing me to write about my life as I discover myself, and reflect on the past while I do so. I want to turn this into a book. I really appreciate any support, in whatever form it takes. Thank you for taking the time to let me share this piece of myself with you.
