Something has happened. Something amazing. I can’t even.
I met a man. I’m bursting just writing that. His name is Marty. I haven’t stopped smiling since we started talking at the Funk n Waffle. We clicked right away and had an amazing conversation. At times we just stopped and stared into each others eyes. There was a wave of emotion that swept over me soon after we met, and it carried me through the conversation and on the way home.
Talking with him was so easy. He’s a minister and one of the first people I feel that I can talk about my passion for philosophy and theology with. That’s really rare for me. Most of the time I get blank stares whenever I bring up anything related to metaphysics or the nature of the universe.
We aren’t without our differences. I like rap, he likes country. I’m taller, he’s shorter. I’m 28, he’s 60.
God I hope he likes to be called daddy.
That’s something that’s got me giddy. Because of my father, I’ve really repressed how much I am actually attracted to older men. Hell, my father’s abuse may be the reason I’m attracted to older men in the first place. Finally breaking out of the shell and feeling the vibes we shared really awoke something in me. I’m beaming. This is so exciting!
But while I scanned the restaurant for him and his adorable glasses, I got really self-conscious about what other people would think. I was so nervous while I waited for him to show up. I was a few minutes early, and while he sent me a picture, his statement of “I’ll be wearing my glasses” made me paranoid that I was being catfished. Hell, I half suspected it was someone I knew.
My worries abated when he stepped in the door. I felt a rush of energy. He was so cute, so sweet. There was an instant connection, and while I recognized some of his questions being defensive, testing my character, his eyes told me that he was smitten by me too.
Our conversations got really deep really fast. It is so nice to meet someone with a great head on his shoulders and heart in his chest. He made me laugh, and I got a few bellows out of him. It’s wonderful to find someone on your same wavelength!
He also made it apparent that he likes physical displays of affection. We held hands, and our feet met under the table. He talked about shoe size, and obviously was referencing something else when he talked about having big feet. He also said he really like my hands; they had character.
He told me he likes to feed people. I replied by saying I like to eat, and he told me that he would make sure I would always have enough to eat. I’m very grateful for that. It’s something that has put my mind at ease. I guess I’m a slut for good men and food.
He also indirectly asked if I was into polyamory. I am, which made me relieved. I have a lot of fantasies, and want to explore myself through the lens of multiple partners. Some of them definitely need multiple people, and it’s difficult when you have desires for men and women. Fir those reasons, Awen and I faced a lot of turbulence in our relationship because I felt a part of me was completely unnurtured being with just a woman.
Because of my mom, I am terrified of AIDS. The security of having someone trustworthy to explore with, while still having the thrill of meeting new people is available to me is something I value. Maybe there is one person out there that perfectly compliments me, but with how polarized I am, I don’t hold out hope for a single, exclusive partner.
I am completely out of the funk I fell into when the weather started turning cold. There is a warmth burning inside me. The knowledge that I'm not alone is itself magical. I walked home with a huge smile on my face. I am so happy.
Also, those waffles were amazing.
Hey, this is a journal entry from a project I am really enjoying so far. It's allowing me to write about my life as I discover myself, and reflect on the past while I do so. I want to turn this into a book. I really appreciate any support, in whatever form it takes. Thank you for taking the time to let me share this piece of myself with you.
