I'm wary when things are certain. Seem certain, I should say. I'm cautious about people who tell me they know. That they know why the government does the things they do, the way the Sun works at night, or why we hear lost lovers' call in our bellies at low-tide.
I'm wary.
I doubt you can ever know, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that's just it. That the doubt at my core rises up instinctively against people who lack it. I can be very intolerant in that way, because if you present yourself with certainties I don't have, I may start to bite.
I've been meeting people like that lately, people who tell me they "know". I reckon it's the Universe's attempt at a cautionary tale. The older I get, the more hectic this world appears. The stronger the impulse to identify what I believe in and hold on to it firmly. And I do. I'm better now at knowing the things I need and don't need, the wants and the values that define this wandering through life for me. But that's a bit of a double-edged sword. It's a very short slide from identifying them to identifying with them.
Wholeheartedly. Beyond a doubt.
In my book that I'm reading for my yoga course, I came across a lot of that. "Undoubtedly", "beyond a doubt". Except, I wouldn't brag about that, would you? If X does Y, then beyond a doubt Z will happen. Enlightenment. Samadhi. But that gives rise to problems. If there is a supreme, indubitable Truth (with a capital T), then how come so many of us are still searching?
I was talking to someone about that the other day, the "search", and they were saying how it sounds ugly to them. But to me, it sounds beautiful.
I am searching.
It excuses me from so many things I might otherwise pretend to know. I try my best not to know, which isn't always easy. It leaves room for wounding and uncertainty, and the older I get, the more I see in myself this wish to run away from it.
The people that I meet present me with ideas and theories that they regard as fact. Then wonder why I cut the conversation short. Was it something I said?
Not really, more the way it was said. It seems to me, once you decide on one Truth, then the journey's finished. You know. I look for the people who search and present their findings with reasonable doubt, always. At the end of the day, I might even agree with them on some things, but I can't agree on the way things most definitely are or aren't. I'm doubtful. I'm greedy. I can't bear the journey to end just yet.
A while back, I got hung up on this lyric (I know I keep talking about her. It's a phase.),
Tu sei presente è una certezza che io ho
You are present and a certainty that I have. And much as I love the musicality of it, the poetry, something kept bothering me. There is no certainty, and least of all in love. Which means you really must act with intention. Even when you've met somebody who seems real, you're still really just on another level of the same search. Rummaging inside that person to help them grow, to grow with them.
How can you grow when you've strayed beyond a doubt? How can you keep searching?
