on the inside

I feel like such a fucking failure.
Why do I feel this way? Even I don’t know why.
Negativity plagues my cluttered mind more frequently these days.
It is infested by thoughts that are destructive; thinking that should be abolished from this world.
There seems to be no purpose left for me to pursue.
I lead my life without a clear direction, floating in the air within my own bubble.
All my ties are secretly broken, a network of disasters.

I feel alone.
It aches silently at night, usually at night, and I can’t control any single bit of it.
Some days, I just want to imagine my life away.
I am such a pathetic dreamer, unwilling to leave my fantasy world.
I feel like an utter idiot.
Letting people exploit me appears to be my second nature now.
Where has my dignity gone?
I don’t want to be a nuisance yet I have turned myself into a toxic parasite people are trying to rid of.
Amongst familiar faces and plastic smiles, I catch myself switching into my neutral mode.
The mode most people are used to seeing.
Pleasing people as I go, frivolity plastered across my face.
But is this really who I am?
Perhaps I just put on a good show.
In truth, I am never in neutral mode.
I’m an absolute enigma.

Why am I so fucked up?
I no longer feel like a part of this mad world; this flawed yet beautiful world.
I just feel like a voyeur, observing from the distant.
I don’t belong here. I have never been accepted.
Everything feels increasingly foreign and strange to me as time goes by.
Simple concepts are turning metamorphic, changing and altering every ticking second.
The connection to happiness cannot be found.

I would give anything to be able to find that connection.
I will try to pour my heart over everything I do... and hope that one day, the immense loneliness will ease and the world will brace me in its arms and cast sunshine upon my face.