This is my narrative of self expression, a representation of bewildering emotions and experiences of a selfless and battered heart.
I suffered a decade of ambivalence, a decade of pain, a decade of struggles and a decade of agony as i strive to overcome severe depression and anxiety, a serious mental health disorder that affects a lot of individuals in this modern time that has been the primary cause of cases of suicide and ostensibly i'm fighting this battle with fortitude and courage.
As much as i wanted to express the things that bothers my mind ultimately, I am afraid that no one could understand my sentiments because the feeling of intimidation is pouring in my hands certainly. I just want to be true with myself and to everybody. This narrative doesn't entails with any hyperbolic approach of expression or sugar coated phrases that are associated with vagueness which can be misinterpreted and misunderstood eventually that's why i am choosing my words naturally to describe the enigmatic feeling of having depression because i'm afraid that for another time we could be be labeled again as "pretentious and fake" individuals because people think we pretend to be always hurting and they think we are faking our words out of the box, without clearly seeing our situation, if it's real or not. It's real actually, depression and anxiety is no joke.
But honestly, I am so sick of stigmatizing and romanticizing "The feeling of having depression and the torment of having anxiety as well, or upholding the feeling of having mental breakdowns". by those people who haven't experienced those circumstances eventually. Personally, I vehemently condemn their gestures because it implies that they are not trying to understand the situation that we " who suffers depression and anxiety" are trying to escape or avoid, the manifestation of insensitivity can exacerbate the existing condition that we are associated with because it can gradually isolate our social connections inside the society due to the perception or fear of being misunderstood and commonly and it can really establish social anxiety beyond the dimensions of individuals who suffers depression and people who are diagnosed with depression are attributed as socially introverted and has lack of self esteem or self confidence. They usually deal with family problems, sexual abuse, bullying and other forms of gestures or any manifestation of actions that can trigger depression and anxiety in a certain individual and in every experiences, it unveils the story of how does this person survived this situation.
People who struggled depression are being placed in different ways, some are working out for their outlets, as a way of expressing themselves. Usually, people who suffers depression can be extraordinary and unique despite of being baffled, they tend to seek for outlets as way of expressing themselves. When we talk about J.K Rowling, Sylvia Plath, James Baldwin, David Foster Wallace, Anne Rice and Mark Twain who cried out their words as they expressed the feeling of depression through writing where they can release their feelings through words and also there are lot of musicians who sang their hearts out as depression hits them, like Rihanna, Adele, Lady Gaga, Sia, Beyonce, Justin Bieber, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez and Christina Aguillera and other prominent figures like Cara De Levingne, Johnny Depp, Jim Carey, Kristen Bell, Chris Evans, Eminem and Ellen DeGeneres. Behind the success of these prominent, talented and eclectic figures is a lingering depression that resulted havoc and uncertainty in their lives.
The silent battles that we are trying to surpass and surmount despite of our vulnerability is an indication that we are trying to live our life, we are trying to compose ourselves in the floor of social modification despite of the greedy and perplexed society. Same as the "LGBT Community" we are are hungry for your acceptance, we are firmly bursting our clamour and remonstrance to this selfish society, we are begging for your empathy and we do not beg for apathy. You don't how hard it is to suffer depression and anxiety, it's like having an unbreakable and eternal woe and i guess it's time to break the chains that binds the society, it's time to end the oblivious inclination of the society.
I just want all of you to know that our emotions are innate and not artificial because we do not settle for dramas, we show the reality of ourselves and we don't intend to fool ourselves, we express ourselves naturally by accepting our weaknesses as an individual. We don't fake our emotions, we don't fabricate our feelings, we often show our brokenness and vulnerability to prove to other people that we aren't pretentious, that we are suffering from something. We carry our relentless pain, we face our inescapable desolation, we are entitled to be melancholic, miserable and absolutely distressed but despite of all the nightmares and darkest days of our lives, we hope to embrace happiness and contentment and we will always hope to survive in this circumstance.
We might have this mental health disorders but we are also humans and we do not set ourselves to be subjected or labeled as "Less and Undistinguished" because we believe that despite of the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness that lingers on our individuality, we do not deserve your labels and criticisms, we deserve your praises because we are trying to be strong for ourselves, we are trying to adopt the feeling of positiveness. We are trying to find ourselves even it takes a long road and a hard time, we are trying to build our worth as an individual in this multifaceted society. We apologize for our uncertain behavior, we apologize for the complicated attitude that we possess, we apologize for having panic attacks, anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns. We apologize for being hypersensitive and for committing suicidal attempts, we apologize for being fragile, we apologize for the circumstances that we have but we do not apologize for having depression and for being different.
We are having a hard time for ourselves because of our experiences and stories, we are apparently trying to live our life with a purpose despite of the struggles that we are currently facing, despite of the obstacles that we are trying to surmount, the burden that we are trying to carry, the pain that we are trying to endure, we are doing our best to live normally, to live with hope and to live with our dreams and aspirations.
We are saddened every time that our situation are being compared with other's existing situations, we pity ourselves for being this way every time when people are trying to make us a subject for comparison. We are trying share our experiences to other people but we hesitate to share because they immediately mock us without understanding our situation, we are being labeled as "exaggerated" "self-centered" "negative" "atheist" "godless" "attention seeker" and other labels that we are trying accept even it hurts so deeply, even it tramples our individuality. But despite of all the things that have been said to us, still we remained humble, even if we want to shout our emotions, even if we want to express our words, even if we weep sorrowfully in closed doors, even if we sleep in darkness and uncertainties, even if we drown in worries, we are trying to fill our hearts with patience and forgiveness, we are trying to be good people in spite of everything that we've been through, we prevailed with resilience and we took the courage to battle our inner demons and to vanish the darkness that made our lives miserable.
Despite of our imperfections, despite of our flaws and the scars that we hide, we are still humans. We need your understanding, we need your commiseration and we need your respect. Give us the moment to express ourselves clearly and to be ourselves freely. We are not bad people. We are not atheist, we are not godless. We just lack hope, we lack optimism, exuberance and enthusiasm because we are being devoured by such negativity and dimness. We believe in God and we always ask for healing no matter how damaged we are, no matter how broken we are, no matter how troubled our minds, no matter how many scars and bruises that we have, we always ask for forgiveness and repentance, we always ask for guidance, we always ask for help because we cannot do this alone.
We have different stories to tell, different situations and experiences that molded our individuality with broad perspectives in different aspects. We have a lot of things to figure, we overcome our fears and accept our failures no matter how painful it is, we are trying to face the reality of life despite our disabilities and struggles as we experience depression and anxiety.
When someone you know has depression and anxiety:
speak, comfort, relate and understand.
Be a friend and be a listener
Don't mock, don't judge
Be kind, be understandable
Don't be ruthless, be sensitive.
They need you to listen, they need you to understand.
"Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends, but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.”
DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY IS REAL.
We do not seek attention from people, we need help.
#MentalHealthAwareness
#DepressionAndAnxiety
#EndTheStigma
#YouAreNotAlone
The writer of this narrative is apparently suffering from depression and anxiety.
Written by: Daryl Mendoza (Iligan City, Lanao Del Norte)
