Today was one of those days where fear once again had a firm grip on me. Not that I had a mental breakdown like earlier this week, but fear for my sweet girl Myla. I was seriously afraid that her last hour had come. And I feel the bonds that keep her here weakening as she was struck again by Geriatric Vestibular Syndrome. My poor girl, today it seemed like I was going to lose her and it made for a day of chaos of emotions and anxiety.
Myla is now 15 years old. And yes, of course, I know that it is a very blessed age for a dog of her size and breed. But there is a big difference between knowing that and accepting it. Even though I know that 15 years old is a good age for a Malinois, that doesn't mean the thought of losing my girl wouldn't be painful. Gosh, just a month ago we had to say goodbye to Lana, and now we're supposed to say goodbye to Myla? That idea feels like an unbearable burden. It's just not allowed. Not now, not when I already struggle so much with anxiety and depression. Not when I need her love and loyalty so much.
Even though we knew what it was, we still took her to the vet. Where our suspicions were confirmed again. Geriatric Vestibular Syndrome (GVS) is not unknown to us. We've seen it before with Lexxieboy, Myla has unfortunately been affected by it before, and now it's striking her again. For those unfamiliar with this condition, it is a neurological condition that causes dizziness, disorientation, and balance problems, especially in older dogs. Every time it hits, I feel the pain in my heart as I helplessly watch my girl struggle to stay upright. How she wanders as if she has had a bottle of alcohol and her crooked head. That crooked head is typical of GVS.
The vet once again offered us some reassurance by saying that Myla could recover from this attack again. But it's not a guarantee. It could return, it could hit her again. It is true that other than this she is a 'healthy' old lady. And that's what makes it so difficult to decide what's best for her. But we want to give her that chance of recovery, no matter how small it may seem.
The coming days will mainly be about keeping an eye on Myla, caring for Myla, and supporting Myla. My days will be filled with observations of hopefully small improvements, the small signs of progress I hope to see because they will bring me some hope through my fears. My poor Myla, I would have loved to give her a carefree old age. But life has other plans.
So you understand that today was another emotional rollercoaster. And that I was once again grateful that I had CBD oil to take. That kept me from collapsing. But even with the CBD in my system, I couldn't stop tears from filling my eyes at the thought that this might be Myla's last battle.
Still, I want to keep believing. I want to believe that Myla is using the fighting spirit she has always had. The willpower she has always shown. I want to imagine that she will shine this summer, that her sweet brown eyes will look at me with a zest for life instead of seeming to ask me what is happening to her. I want to believe that we will have more precious moments together, moments that I will store in my memories to warm me when the cold reality overtakes us.
The worries are not over yet, but Myla and I refuse to give up. And my love for Myla is stronger than my fear of loss. So for now we will have to go through the dark days together, and I will support her in everything she does. We will make her feel that she is not alone, that we are with her and stand by her side. In this moment, the love I feel for her transcends my fear, and that means we will fight together, and fight for the recovery of my little Myla girl.
