things suck right now. I feel small, insignificant, unimportant, and totally useless. I try so hard to make things as close to perfect as they can get...only to have what i missed shoved in my face. i hate this feeling. i have tried so hard to avoid feeling like this. I was on the right track. i was feeling better. i even considered taking my well-being off the back burner for a while. but when i expressed this i was told that was selfish and not at all what I should be doing. And while my trips around in nature to relax may be "fun", they aren't necessary and are irresponsible and childish.
in 2011 i had put myself on the further burner away and never did anything that didn't concern caring for the children the house, or my husband. I had no hobbies, no friends, and no one to talk to. I tried to take my life. I took an entire bottle of my medication and waited to die. I'm feeling that way again due to things that I have been informed of, whether these things are correct or not. I feel disposable. I feel ugly and unwanted.
Nothing I ever do is good enough. even writing this. I will probably get yelled at for revealing my feelings in such a public way. I'll get yelled at for "internalizing" things that were meant to just be listened to. Hard to do when the problems being told about are in direct relation to you. He may even just give up on me, although I feel like he probably already has.
I may not be on for a while. Kind of hard to find the happiness right now. I've been bawling for hours now this morning, alone. If i am caught crying it is treated like I'm just adding more unimportant things to the pile of things already needed attending to. I will once more be put on the back burner, where I'll sit. No one will ever check to see if my contents have evaporated away and if I'm about to start scalding. Well I can tell you...I'm starting to scald. I can't do this anymore.
