Being demanding , strict and a bit gross(as my wife with affection sometimes tells me before telling me that she loves me even being that) to my self has its goods and bads.
Some good is that this demanding behaviour, most of the times, keeps me up to it (anything set) struggling and pushing towards achievement. Bad is that other times being too hard on myself brings me down into frustration and mind vicious circles (after a failure or what I consider such) ,that can do some significative harm and I consider dangerous when find myself in those holes unable to easily getting or finding a way out.
It's hard for me to forgive myself some errors or failures.
WEEKEND ENGAGEMENT WEEK 260
You have injuries in your lungs. Do you smoke?
That's what she said (the doctor) while watching the radiography.
Yes, I smoke. I said.
You gotta quit right away. She said.
So, I admit it, I've been being weak for so many years in front of smoking vice and that's been my biggest health challenge, cause I know it (cigarrete) is a murderer that fucks one up in the end one way or another.
I've heritaged hypertension from my both parents and hey both were diabetic as well. It (diabetes) is coming closer, I can feel it. So, smoking is bad for both conditions, not counting the lungs thing, that also sucks and the blood circulation problems that already are showing up here and there.
This was 3 months ago and I stopped smoking, but a couple of days ago and I don't fucken know why (out of stress I guess or damned weakness) I putted one of those white cilindric killers in my mouth again, and 2, and 3...so, in addition to conditions, it also affects my mood as I consider it a huge failure and the-hard-on-myself me, strikes against myself and punish him or me in this case down yo the frustration and disappoinment hole.
Which brings us directly to what has disappointed me most in my adult life, those times in which the gaps in my will have prevented me from doing what I know is right at a given moment, like this one I mentioned. The only way I've found to improve the situation has been forcing myself to do it, you know, as a punishment or something like that.
So, I could lead a happy and meaningful life if :
I could enjoy what I'd be doing for living and of course live out of it ( I know it may sound contradictory but you should come over here to this little island to understand it better).
I could be in full control of my emotions all the time and could get rid of anxiety, I don't want to control it, I want the fucker outta here.
I could be surrounded by those I love in optimal health conditions(they and me of course) and being able to have some fun weekends together.
This is simple and brief, I would like to know more about:
Why haven't I worked on learning those things?
Mostly time, but also lack of guidance, late access to internet and information, obstacles to study what one really wanted, geographic fatality, life getting in the way and...back to... fucken time.
I live in a very hot and humid little country, here we sweat waterfalls, the sun wears a Superman Cape, the sole of the shoes melts on the road, desert cactus rip their skin out of heat and say prayers to return their homeland...so, now that you get the point... nothing better than a good loaded fresh and tasty super watering relaxing shower baby.
I've traveled through shyness and from been reserved to confident and outgoing. It was a transition I shortly talked about last weekend in this post. Without a doubt I feel way better as I am now, what confidence provides to our aproacches in any sense has a very high value to oneself and to those who presence it. About the outgoingness, well, I say about feelings and all as my father used to say about farts, better out than in, and that's it folks.
