I missed writing yesterday. I could tell you the reasons, but they would sound like excuses. And what excuse is really ever valid for not writing on Hive? I am certain there are people who have written posts while hanging upside down over cliffs. There are those who would write a post even if they somehow got kidnapped.
How a True Hivean Would Hypothetically Deal With Kidnappers
They would bargain with the kidnappers, not for food or water or release, but for a few moments of internet time to send a post to the Hive. The kidnappers, not realizing what the Hive is, might naïvely agree to this request.
Then the Hivean would submit a post that was actually a complex coded message containing his/her/their location and unique plight. The Hive community would spring to action. Those kidnappers? They would be sorry they messed with a Hivean.
Why Didn't I Post Yesterday?
Clearly, then, I should have made writing a bigger priority yesterday. Are you wondering why I didn't? No. Okay. Then skip the next paragraph.
I did something stupid. What else is new? I lifted my right leg, and felt and heard a weird and not good sensation. At first, I was able to walk on it, and then, for some reason, it was agony to step on it. It was far worse than when I broke my foot.
Because I am a big lady, the question was what to do. If I needed medical attention, I needed an ambulance, which feels humiliating, but it's just reality. On the other hand, maybe rest would help, but that seemed like extreme optimism.
I took some sleepytime meds to help me rest and not freak out about the whole not being able to walk thing. I also wanted to spare my fiancé hearing me repeat, "Well, that's it for me. They shoot lame horses, right?" This is the problem with having anything go wrong when you are already depressed. It is a short distance to the "giving up" place.
The Good News
I am afraid to trust it, but my leg feels 100% fine. I don't understand it. How can it go from agonizingly painful to completely fine? I am grateful, but anxious about it. I am still resting it just in case.
The Other Reason
The other reason I didn't post was that I was feeling despair. My father had to go to the emergency at the hospital again. He had blood in his urine. This is not resolved, but they released him so as not to throw off the schedule for his open heart surgery on January 20th. I feel less despair now that he has been released and it appears that his surgery is going forward at the planned date/time.
I am, of course, very anxious about the surgery. I can't even really think about it. I would like to be put to sleep and woken after. The anxiety is driving me crazy.
Conclusion
I have no conclusion. I just do my best each day, and I feel strongly that, right now, my best sucks! However, I continue to strive towards improvement. That is all I can do. I feel like things can never get better, but I remind myself that feelings are part of my illness. I think things can get better.
The difference between thinking and feeling is important in this illness of depression. I can disentangle my thoughts and find logic. My emotions, unfortunately, tend to despair.
Logically, if I engage in self-care, things may improve. (That is as positive as I get right now!)
Thank you for reading, as usual. I appreciate it!