****eats some humble pie****

Last night I was at work late while my husband played Sea of Thieves with friends. I felt… lonely and I acted out because of it. It’s not something I’m proud of; so to stay on brand, let’s dig into it!

Why did I choose to feel alone?

I chose to feel alone because I wanted attention. Although as a disclaimer, I didn’t actually know I was doing it. Everyone I wanted to talk to was busy and I subconsciously became ‘needy’ and jealous and tried to inject myself into their world. Like… forcefully; I was beyond reasoning with.

Hold up! A passing thought has just hit me… I wonder if that ‘lack of being reasoned with’ is perhaps a mutated manifestation of emotional flooding.

Kyle was undoubtedly a champ and gave into my neediness, which would have required him to put down his controller and reply to me every time I messaged last night. A clear sacrifice on his part that shouldn’t have been necessary, had I recognized my immature emotional state earlier.

Recognition is the first step

When a bad habit or decision feels good, recognizing that it’s bad is extremely hard. I’ll be the first to admit that self-inflicted pain feels great and its addictive. The amount of blog posts I’ve half written that are slathered in martyrdom is embarrassing. Yet… I haven’t deleted them because… well. I don’t know!

Getting mentally stronger is just as important as staying physically healthy. It’s a constant battle that is virtually invisible from the outside world. Often, we fight our demons in silence and in hiding. And unless we share these demons with a trusted somebody, the encouragement to get better is hard to come by.

God’s Always Waiting, and I Always Ignore Him

God’s been teaching me so much lately, that I sometimes finish the work week with my brain so full of ideas, thoughts and new wisdoms that I feel like I’m back at school. Except that this is like… the best kind of school with the best kind of teacher.

We’re all guilty of it, but sometimes I forget Jesus exists. Naturally, this makes me a terrible person/friend/disciple and I’m humbled again when I realize I should have just talked to him about what I’m feeling, instead of looking for satisfaction in the world. But last night, I forgot He existed, and reached out to things that would make me happy in the short-term instead.

I’m an idiot human who fails every single day of their lives and sometimes doesn’t even acknowledge it. Jesus is always there, always understanding, always empathetic and always wants the best for me. He is my biggest cheerleader, always listens with undivided attention and will correct me in the most loving way possible. All I have to do is ask, and He’s there. But as with physical friends, sometimes help isn’t offered until it’s asked for.

And so last night, I should have looked to Him instead. And in doing so, I would have been lifted out of the emotional self-harm I was putting myself through and placed back on the yellow brick road.

/end