Gymgoer, professional, Matcha drinker, teacher, chemical engineer, intellectual, leader, happy.
All the roles I had to play recently.
I play them as hard as I can. Because I have to, or else I fear being consumed by the dreadful feeling of being a great pretender, an impostor. Always proving, never being. But when I'm alone and without anyone who needs convincing, I am overcome by my hollowness.
I've only been going to the gym once a month. I feel out of place in my profession's convention. I drink Matcha even though I hate it. I'm a teacher who hasn't been teaching lately. I spend time with friends and still feel lonely. I know the actual things that make me happy, but I don't do them.
The past few weeks have been extremely challenging. A new job started. A grand reunion carved out so much of my time and energy. A young relative died of suicide. I got sick for a couple of days after traveling for almost 2 weeks.
With no time to process everything, I feel myself slipping, being drained, turning hollow above a cesspool of emotions. I find myself crying randomly, unpacking old regrets, and doubting myself. And it's not even over. I have to brace for the coming weeks. I don't know if I'm gonna make it. But I'll just keep on pretending.
Because that's what impostors do.
