Here I am again, feeling something deep inside of me break away, just like when we are peeling peanuts and little by little we remove a piece of its shell. I've been fighting for so long not to feel like this, running away from the terror you feel when something inside you is breaking. I could break and nothing would happen because I would replace the excitement with some physical activity that would distract my concentration from the feeling the moment might cause.
For a long time I built a rock wall so solid, strong and firm that until now nothing had been able to affect me, but in the process of evading forget my "self" forget the "I Am" I got lost in the path of forgetfulness and many things always came before my well being. Until now, everything had been fine.
Now, for some reason that I do not know, someone without permission has managed to get over that wall and in the process I allowed him to do it because it was something so beautiful that for many moments I wanted to allow myself to enjoy what life was giving me. For a long time I was convinced by a phrase that said that it was better to regret what you did. Although I have the phrase very present I try to hold on to that wall as tightly as I can because I am still afraid of knocking it down and discovering a hurricane of pain that I cannot bear.
I know, I know I have to cry, I know that someday I have to let out so much repressed nostalgia and so much accumulated pain. It's just that until now I don't feel that the moment will come when I can cry for hours until my soul dries up completely. However, the situation has been overtaking me because every day it becomes unbearable to contain what I am feeling.
The tears are already starting to come out without any permission and each time that knot in my chest feels much stronger. It seems that I am fearing what I gave him permission to enjoy because it turns out that without wanting to or imagining it, he is already hurting and tearing a piece of me. It is as if he is running a very sharp knife from my chest to my belly. But, I am aware that he would not be to blame. The fault is mine for having all the problems that encompass my mind, the fault is mine for always thinking way beyond what is allowed. Yes, the fault is still mine for wanting to immerse myself in the illusion of happiness which I now feel is in a state of destruction.
Now here I am, lying there with my chest aching and tears rolling down my cheeks. I suppose I will try to dry them and then feel how I am empty inside again. Although I no longer think I can hold back that wellspring of tears that have been held back for years, everything seems to indicate that the time to let them flow has been approaching. In the meantime, I will only wait until I feel empty to appear again before society as the strong woman that everyone has known.