After so much time, I found you again where I left you all those years ago. And though I've wanted to silence your voice, you haven't stopped fighting for a second to bring back the memories of that rebellious teenage girl who did things to please others. It seems that this time you have won, and it is time to travel back to the past and sit beside you in that dark corner where I decided to abandon you when I made the decision to leave.
Truly, now I think I was foolish to believe that leaving you there and running away was the best thing that could happen to us. I thought that was the only way I could move towards a new door. But now that I return to the place where I was born, raised, made many "friends" who were suitors and some boyfriends, I realize I was blessed with this place. Here, many dreams were shattered, and my heart was irreparably broken into pieces. It is the place where I discovered that the world isn't as wonderful as cartoons depicted it because I painfully learned that it can be so frightening that perhaps many can't even imagine. Or maybe what I saw is not even half of what lies beneath.
Honestly, I often thought that by abandoning you, I was leaving behind everything I wanted to renounce. But I've come to realize that I keep encountering you time and time again because you have always been present in those moments when deceit, disappointment, and disillusionment come my way. I've tried to paint a new world for myself, but now that I have you in front of me, in the place where I can relive everything we went through simply by closing my eyes, just the act of remembering is enough to make tears stream down my cheeks and feel as if something heavy is trapped in my throat that I can't release.
It seems that there never truly was a change; I simply grew with the passage of time. Because as I look at you closely, I can see that I am still that girl who allowed herself to be influenced by others' opinions. When I decided to raise my voice, I wasn't brave enough to resist and defend what I believed in. I was so cowardly when I chose not to face any problems and left you shattered without attempting to heal any of the wounds I had caused. Now I wonder, how can I repair myself? Do I really want to let you speak? Because even though I see you, I am still filled with fear of the consequences that may come with your release. I still don't know if there are things I want to relive by remembering them, because there are others that I would undoubtedly lock away in a box and throw into the deepest sea, never to bring those mistakes I made as a foolish girl back into the present. It's only now that I pause to think about the great damage I've done to you, without realizing that you would still be present after all these years, as if it were only yesterday that it all happened.
So I wonder, will I ever heal and forgive myself someday?